2004-10-30 - 11:47 a.m.

Yesterday Phoe was away so I arose leisurely to open up the house and let the dogs out for a pee. Imagine the look on my face when I went into the office (where the dogs sleep) only to be overcome by the unmistakable stench of shit. For a second I just closed my eyes to the carnage; there were huge dollops of diarrhoea EVERYWHERE. Both dogs looked innocent (I wouldn't have blamed the poor little sod if he'd been caught out in the night anyway) and actually did their best to tiptoe through the mess upon my command when I opened the back door to let them out. I then turned my attention to Phoe's parrot who also lives in the office and had a look of sheer horror on it's face - I swear, I've never seen a bird's eye so huge and round in my life! I guess it had spent the night praying to the Parrot God that someone would come and take it away from the stench. I answered his prayers and stuck him in the living room window all day, far away from the battlefield.

What a great way to start the day; on your hands and knees in Snoopy pajamas cleaning up stinking shit.

The initial horror of the day gave me a small niggling headache which remained with me all day sometimes in the background and at others pounding away in my right temple making me feel a bit dizzy and sick. The day didn't improve when I received a rejection letter from the firm who'd been looking for a researcher/writer. I didn't expect to get that job anyway, it was medically based and I have no clue (although, by now I could write a book on shit).

A bit later on I also noticed that my aged gerbil (who also lives in the office) was on her side breathing heavily. Blimey, were the shit fumes actually going to claim a victim? The gerbil looked to be at the point of death and kept stretching her back legs out and twisting as if she were experiencing some inner turmoil. It didn't look good.

Great, Phoe's away and another catastrophic day has occurred. It's ALWAYS the same, as tho Fate waits for it's opportunity to jerk with me when no one can come to my aid. I cleaned the gerbil out and put all kinds of soft stuff in there for her so that she'd be comfortable for her last day. As I looked down at her I recalled that her brother (long since departed) had appeared in Viz wrapped in a tea towel as a Yasser Arrafat lookie-likey and it sounds as tho he ain't doing too well either. Funny innit, a world leader and the relation of a dead gerbil linked in some bizarre way.

What the hell am I talking about? Shiit Sket......

Anyhoo, Phoe got home with news that she'd been talking to one of the chief trainers at the police force she'd been giving her presentation to and the guy was really surprised that I was rejected from 'the intended job' (I guess it is obvious that it was the police). He said that with my degree, my experiences with Phoe and the fact that I had been a Birmingham (cough) Traffic Warden (sorry guys, I spent 2 years as an evil swine before giving it up to become a bit of an old hippy), in uniform on the streets used to aggro, his force would have snapped me up! He's asked to see my feedback and is going to do what he can to help me which is good of him. It's just a shame his force is so far away from where I bloody well live or I'd go for it up there.

Finally, the good news is that my gerbil seemed to make a Lazarus like recovery and was last seen eating carrot in an empty Bisto tin :)

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