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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

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2007-05-26 - 10:49 p.m.

I made an absolutely crucial discovery today. I have learned WHY I am not a little skinny thing who is in danger of blowing away in the wind!

It's because of my fucking doppleganger - the bastard!

"...but what's a doppleganger, Sket?"

"Well random enquirer who has never heard the term, Wikipedia reckons a doppleganger to be: "...any double or look-alike of a person—most commonly an "evil twin"...and as we all know, if Wikipedia reckons something then it MUST be true! Actually, it is true - that's what one is...."

Yes, it is said that everyone in the world has a double - their doppleganger, and if you ever bump into your fucker you're fucked (basically). It's the whole portent of doom kinda thing. You see your double and die (horribly no doubt). Well, fortunately for me, I haven't bumped into a screaming Sket double ('cause I'd be their doppleganger wouldn't I?) but I spent all afternoon in a pub looking across at a girl who, from the side, was the spitting image of a friend of mine....but sometimes she looked wrong.....but sometimes her facial expressions were exactly the same.....but she isn't married and this woman was wearing a wedding ring....and then she looked directly at me and didn't seem to recognise me...but she was SOOOO her from the side.

I surmised that I'd bumped into Kelleigh's doppleganger and clearly hers and mine weren't friends. That got me thinking (as I ate icecream drenched in maple syrup). I am currently trying to shift some excess flab-age and tone the ol' bod up a bit in order to pass a fitness test for another shot at THE INTENDED JOB.

....but I'm not doing very well. I wiped a blob of maple syrup from my chin and sucked my finger thoughtfully as it occurred to me that I hadn't lost as much weight as I thought I should have done in the 3 days I have been seriously slimming. Then it hit me! The realisation actually hit me like a hammer - my fucking doppleganger must be eating like a bastard and ruining everything! If we're supposed to be doubles of each other and one half ain't towing the line then I'm buggered!

I also remember reading somewhere that people have been found to lose an amount of weight as they die and it has been reasoned that that must be their soul departing. Fuck me, that'll be ANOTHER reason I haven't lost much weight - got a FAT SOUL haven't I! IT'S OBVIOUS - How am I supposed to get myself looking perfect when I've got a greedy bitch of a doppleganger and a fat soul to cope with?

I think I need some Ben and Jerrys (Phish Food)...and diet coke of course...

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