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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2004-10-28 - 11:28 a.m.

I haven't got much to say really. Nigel bailed out of going for a run because he had a cold and didn't feel like it. How happy was I that I didn't have to expend any energy?

< THIS HAPPY >

I am actually starting to feel quite shit tho. My body enjoyed the exercise and now my brain has taken away the privilege. All these years my brain (the boss in the set up) has blamed my body for not doing what it is supposed to do and now look! I'm keeping out of this one, this is too much like big white jacket that does up behind you territory.

Anyhoo, Nigel signed my naturalisation papers which means that I can apply for citizenship and then hopefully do something with this damn criminology degree. (sigh) It's strange how life just happens isn't it? I always thought I'd be sorted once I'd bagged the degree. I guess that I am still partly thinking about one of my Diaryland friends' diary entries in which she speaks about decisions and what she would have been like if she'd done things differently. Heck, it's made me think about some of my questionable decisions and wonder if things would have been any better. On reflection I doubt it, I seem to take the hardest path wherever I am in my life. Here are 3 of my biggies:

i) What if I had listened to my drama teacher at school who gave me top marks out of the whole year for my exam and said that he could see real talent in me and that he would give me a reference stating this fact if I were to go to drama school, rather than my Mom who wisely said that I should get some proper qualifications under my belt to see me through should I become one of the thousands of out of work actors around. Wise words and I took 'em. Four years later and an HND in Business and Finance in tow I lost the momentum and couldn't really spend MORE time studying and pratting about with my life could I? I don't want to answer that. I was too weak minded to go for my dream.

ii) What if I had ignored the procrastinator wasting valuable brain space in my head and pursued my writing? There have been 4 opportunities wasted including 2 doing some comedy writing. I wonder what I could have been. Perhaps a failed comedy writer - I'll never know will I? Again, I was too weak minded to go for my dream.

iii) What if I hadn't given up my entire existence as I knew it in order to help my best friend through a major life changing trauma? My life has been one round after another of shit luck and poverty since (thanks Karma). I often wonder what my life would have been like had I not made that one single solitary decision.....

I don't want to get all maudlin about things. Writing it all down made me realise that everything is indeed my own fault as I don't appear to think that I am worthy of greatness so I don't bother to go for it.

Wow, I learned a genuine lesson today.

I need to get out and laugh at people and situations again, this lazing around feeling sorry for myself and exploring the inner workings of my mind are freaky and probably quite boring. Samhain (Halloween) is coming so there should be some humour around the corner as the Lord of Misrule takes his rightful place in our world (said the stupid bloody hippy).

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