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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2006-08-01 - 8:02 p.m.

Oh you'd laugh.

The freakin' magazine photo. As you are aware I absolutely did NOT want to be involved, did not want my pic taken and did not want to end up in a stupid womany type magazine read by thousands of brainless moronic cretinous buffoons who watch Eastenders.

(for this is my suspected target group)

All the magazine said was that they would just like a pic of the 2 of us together. We couldn't agree on an old picture so we decided to get made up and take some shots of ourselves last night. Bearing in mind Phoe and I BOTH have digital cameras, it transpired that neither of us had decent batteries and neither of us could be bothered to simply go to a shop 3 minutes away. We took shot after shot after shot until the batteries ran down. We took out said batteries and warmed them up in our hands (which works for some reason) and took more and more shots until they gave up the ghost.

We stuck 'em on the 'puter and looked in horror. Nah, Sket's face is half cut off, Phoe looks too shocked, Sket looks too miserable, Phoe's eyes are closed. I look fat, I look stupid, I don't like my hair, I just don't like that one!

ShitShitSHIT!

We finally decide on a shot which will do. I don't like it. I look like I've got a double chin on it. In fact, I DO have a double chin on it. My face is like a slapped arse and I'm threatening to have a Sketty tantrum and start shouting that I never wanted to be involved in the goddam freaking interview and I don't see why I should have a picture set for ridicule in a national magazine. Phoe complains that she doesn't like the picture either and that her fringe looks horrible and she looks like she's got a giant bald patch.

Women heh? You gotta love us!

I decide to try to photoshop it to make us look good. Phoe is excited. Hey, all the models in the magazines have been touched up, why can't we be?

Erm, because Sket, you have absolutely no photoshopping talent, no patience and you have gone mad somewhere along the way.

I clone some of Phoe's fringe to cover her 'bald' patch. It looks kinda ok but I reckon you can tell and it looks wrong. She doesn't agree but I can see it so I try to make her hair look more natural. It kinda works and she's pleased.

Then we came to my face. As I say, I'm not really very good with photoshop and around that whole lower face area, there isn't enough skin to clone and work on. Still, I try.

"Fuckin 'ell Sket, you look like you've been in a fire!"

I try to fix my mess and give myself a giant jut-jaw.

"Sket, you've got a bigger jaw than Keira Knightly now mate!"

I have another go and have to admit that if I went out with the Elephant Man, HE'D BE THE LOOKER!

Laughing like a drain I spend an hour trying to hide what I can now admit isn't really a big double chin. Oh the vanity, the dysmorphic (sp?) body image, OH THE HUMANITY!

...in the end I give up and leave myself as nature intended. Slightly pale, dark circles under the eyes, a miserable expression on my face and a bit of a double chin.

Who gives a shit what I look like any way? It's not as if Johnny Depp is going to look at it and fall madly in love with the image of the chin-less wonder nestling within the pages of the stupid woman-y mag.

In other news: Malcolm the beetle decided to break his window winding mechanism and make me get covered in grime and oil as I attempted to repair said window winder/jam the window up until a new mechanism could be purchased and installed. BAD BAD MALCOLM!

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