2006-07-31 - 7:33 p.m.

I ate on Saturday and promptly became ill. Ho hum. I am getting increasingly anxious about stuff, I wonder if that's the trouble? I feel fine apart from being so tired all the time. Everyone at works congratulates me for being really laid back and being able to handle all the arsey people. It surprised me to be honest but the more I think about it the more I realise that I can handle them because I don't really care any more. It's like, to cope with my anxiety I only think from second to second and I promptly forget what's gone by. It's a great coping mechanism, I'd recommend it to anyone.

Phoe is pissed off with me 'cause I was messing with a blade-thing yesterday and sliced open my finger. She gets so panicky about stuff which is trivial. I just stuck a plaster over it but she saw the blood dripped everywhere and that the plaster was actually covered in the ol' red stuff and demanded to have a look. Fer chrissake woman, it's only a cut! If there were bone showing or a huge amount of pain you would know by the screeching. I've had so many accidents I'm cool with trivial shit. I guess due to her history she panics about everything. I wouldn't show her and walked off which, in my book ended the situation. It was only today that I discovered she told the magazine people that my laid back attitude towards stuff like this drives her crazy! Wha? IT WAS JUST A CUT FINGER! Yeah it bled a lot and yeah, I shouldn't be messing with sharp stuff knowing my complete clumsitude (great word that isn't it? I made it up)

...which leads me beautifully to the magazine article. They came today and I was most pleased that they had gone before I came home from work. They of course loved Phoe and thought she was amazing and totally brave which of course she is. Unfortunately they asked a lot of questions about me and us being friends. From what I understand I'm going to be mentioned a lot and they want a photo. Why am I making such a big deal about it? I'm going thru one of my crazy woman phases and I'm not up to it, that's why. I haven't really told Phoe how deeply I feel about it. I mean, she knows I didn't want to be involved and that I am anxious about this kinda thing and I knew in my heart that this was going to happen. How can you write an article about how someone's coped with life after a major trauma without mentioning the pal they have shared a place, their feelings, the whole aftermath and the last decade with? This whole mess has screwed with my brain from start to finish I'm sure. I never used to get anxious like this and I'm not even important!

We've got to put some slap on later and pose for some girlie shots. I need this like a hole in the head. I've got black circles under my eyes darker than, erm......... really dark things.

I feel sick

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