2004-03-07 - 11:29 a.m.

Yesterday was totally wasted (in terms of getting on with my dissertation). I complain that we don't have enough friends after having left a whole gang-full back in Birmingham when I moved down to the Island with Phoe, yet when the one's that I DO have down here make demands of my time I complain more.

Perhaps it's being a woman, perhaps it's my job to complain (she said, controversially). I always thought I was really easy going but now that I'm keeping a diary I realise that I am a right selfish, miserable cow. I like to think that it is temporary and due to the stress I am under to get this bloody work done.

.....and I've still got a headache. It's been days now, just there in the background, sometimes unnoticable, other times pounding like a fucking drum. I hate headaches and I get quite a lot of them. A couple of years ago I ended up in the Emergency Room with a suspected brain haemorrhage or embolism or summat - I dunno. I have never felt agony like it and couldn't even stand someone touching me or to move my head/neck even the slightest bit. I just wanted to walk up and down the landing (it was about 3am). Phoe nearly cacked her pants and the long and short of it was that I ended up in A&E wearing bloody 'Chicken Run' pj's. Talk about adding to the pain? My Mom once said that she fears the day the phone rings and someone tells her that I have died from some problem related to my brain!

thanks mom....

I just thought, I have rambled on about headaches and brains and not even said why I was complaining about having wasted yesterday. Actually, scrap that, this is an open diary and I won't say anything. My guilt complex will just kick in and make me wake up in the middle of the night worrying about what I have said about people and believing that they have read it and now hate me.

Jeez, I'll just leave it at:

I have had loads of time to write my dissertation and I have left it to the last minute as is my habit. I am now blaming it on everyone else in my life, as I tend to do, and it is no one's fault but my own. I should be doing the thing now, what am I doing? Writing an on-line diary, thereby avoiding the issue. I am sure that somewhere in the day I will feel justified on blaming poor Phoe for this. I am a bad, bad, lazy person.... oh yeah, and I can't believe the attitude of a certain friend of mine (who will remain nameless) and who has not proven their worth in a time of personal crisis...

.......I'll leave it at that.

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