2004-12-11 - 11:43 a.m.

Well, I guess that puts me on the list to get visited by 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve.

What Sket?

Having a row with carol singers on my doorstep, that's what.

Owwwwwww God!

What's the matter with me? I seem to be slipping into some sort of weird twiglight world (TWIG-LIGHT? That can't be right, hang on, let me get the dictionary......twerp, twice, twiddle, oh here it is TWILIGHT) bordering on madness. I don't know if it is because I'm hormonal, if it's because this damn cold is dragging on, because I've had a 2 day headache or that I am finally losing it due to the shit hand I'm currently holding YET AGAIN. Y'know, this being the plaything of the Fates is well shit.

So what happened then Sket?

Tut (shakes head in disgust at herself) Merry Bloody Crimbo heh?. Well, I shouldn't be left alone in the house should I? Then again, I WAS in the right really, even if Phoe did look at me like I was mad. I'm scared that I'm turning into my old dead (mad) Grandad; there is a famous family story about him (God Rest his grumpy Soul) where he shouted at a bunch of carol singers and threw the contents of his piss pot out of the window to warn them away. I dunno, what with him and my uncles believing they are gangsters or answering the door in the nude I've got no chance have I?

It all started Thursday night when Phoe was on her way back from Derby after doing a presentation. I was home alone and the doorbell rang (which usually makes me run and hide she said possibly understanding why she didn't make it into the police). As I opened the door 2 older fat kids started singing really craply (?)

"We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year......" REPEAT

"Oh, hang on then" I muttered grimly before stomping into the kitchen to get my bag and hoping I'd got some change. 'They're bein' a bit previous' I thought to myself as I opened the zip before wincing at their utterly shit attempt at singing. They only knew one line of one song THAT WASN'T EVEN A BLOODY CAROL and I knew that ultimately I was paying them to go away. Terrible innit? Being blackmailed on your doorstep by 2 youths aurally assaulting you in their attempt to get some cash to go to the local shop. I gave 'em a pound, wished 'em merry christmas in an unconvincing tone and slammed the door.

Phoe got home around midnight and I forgot about the incident. THEN, last night just as we were about to take the dogs for a late night walk in the park the doorbell rang. This time I did hide as Phoe was there to answer the door. It was SHIT CAROL SINGERS! Guess what they were singing?

We wish you a merry christmas etc. etc......

Quizzically I came out of my hiding place to have a look out of the door as Phoe looked for her bag. As I suspected, there were 2 big kids stood there; a fat kid from last night and another kid who was currently doing a solo rendition.

"Oy! That's not on, you were bloody well here last night!"

"I was but he wasn't" shouted the fat kid defiantly

"I don't bloody care, you're taking the mick, go on clear off!

"That's not fair, I WAS HERE last night but he wasn't and that's why I'm not singing! He said, crossing his arms in annoyance.

(You couldn't make it up could you?) Phoe appeared behind me and the soloist continued his tremulous rendition throughout my row with his plump friend)

"SINGING? It was hardly bloody Aled Jones was it. You don't even know any bloody carols, go on sod off. We're not your piggy bank whenever you want to go and get some sweets!"

"Sket, Sket, forget it" said Phoe before giving the soloist 50p and telling 'em that they'd been rumbled and not to come back. "What's the matter with you, shouting at carol singers on the door step? They'll probably let the tyres down on the car now!"

Grumble grumble....turning into Scrooge....grumble....grandad.....piss pot.....bloody kids....no one's takin' me for a ride.....grumble

So there you go. I await my inevitable bad karma.

In other news, the bloody automaton has let me down - where's the bloody coroner's assistant application form she promised she'd get sent to me? Not bloody here, that's where! And did she phone me back like promised when I called to find out what was going on? Did she hell - I'd be skeletised by now if I'd sat by the phone waiting! In 'I'm losing my mind' news, the night of the first assault upon my ears I had discovered quite by accident that I'd lost my bag. I'd phoned Phoe up to ask if she remembered seeing it somewhere unusual and she reminded me that we'd been to Tesco the night before. I called up to see if I'd left it there - I only had! Left the bloody thing swinging from the back of a trolley. I was so lucky that everything was there and that someone had handed it in (not that they'd have had much of a christmas using my credit).

Like I say, I'm losing my mind.....

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