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2006-11-17 - 4:28 p.m.
So, I've just spent a miserable 40 minutes stuck on a giant car ferry close to an old bloke who proceeded to fart THE most diabolical stench in the whole world CONTINUOUSLY. I think I can safely say that I now know what evil actually smells like and it was THAT bloke's arse....
As you are aware, I'm slightly on the edge and my British politeness has all but left me at the moment. After the 3rd face melting blast I turned in my seat to actually face the arse offender and tut. I actually said 'For Godsake!' at him yet still he continued to fart. For a second I started to wonder whether he had a colostomy and couldn't help it before dismissing that idea - I don't think the stench would come in identifiable blasts. He was just a dirty fart-arse who's farts were coming in quick succession and which MUST have burned - they were THAT bad! I realised after about 15 minutes that I seemed to be getting a fart induced headache!
Anyhoo, I just had to say 'for chrissake go and have a shit' under my breath but loud enough for the Farter to hear in the end. Fortunately he obliged and disappeared.
BUT THEN I GOT ANOTHER BLAST!!!
Fuck, it wasn't HIM, it was some other dirty bastard!
Then I had a thought more awful than any thought a person could have:
What if he thought I WAS THE FARTER?!!!
I started to look around in a testy way to see who I could identify as the real farter. I looked across at an innocent looking old lady. It must have been her, but as I say, she looked SO innocent. Now I would say that I couldn't imagine an old lady being able to put down so many totally rank stenches but I know that despite being a lovely delicate orchid myself (DON'T say anything!), I've been known to put down the odd raisin induced nuclear blast or 2 (or 3) but THIS was totally ridiculous.
I decided to look around in a really grumpy way every time a new cloud of shit molecules hit my nose in order to tell the Farter that I was on to them and that NO ACTUALLY, they WEREN'T slipping out some silent, stenchless HARMLESS gasses, they were fucking stinking the whole area out!
We got to the harbour and the old lady got up and left before me. I'm sure I smelled another blast after she'd gone but then realised I couldn't pin the stench on anyone else
Which meant SHE TOO MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ME!
I started to doubt my sanity. If it wasn't one of the 2 people sitting close to me then perhaps I've gone mad and it was....ME (?!). Deep down I knew it wasn't but self doubt and paranoia are 2 of my personal shoulder demons (and close friends now). We're such good friends in fact that we oft go out on the town for a wonderful night out. Of course one of them tells me that I look a fucking mess whilst the other one tells me that everyone hates me so the evening often ends in disaster....
Well, I was on the car ferry as we've been buffetted by strong winds all day and my usual little catamaran was out of service. At the harbour we had to get on a courtesy bus which would drop us back around to the Cat terminal and our cars. Well, I don't know if the smell of pure shitty fart was on my clothes, trapped in my nose or had become trapped in my melted skin but I kept smelling it on the bus. My paranoia demon told me that perhaps I'd sat in dog shit and everyone was disgusted by me. I hadn't actually been any where to sit in dog shit but my brain was in full OH MY GOD, IT WAS DOWN TO YOU ALL ALONG and PEOPLE WILL GO HOME AND TELL OTHERS ABOUT YOU AND THEY WILL POINT AT YOU IN THE SUPERMARKET mode.
I've got to sort out my paranoias and my extreme social embarrassments. I went to the toilet at the same time as one of my work colleagues yesterday and my bladder had a complete lock down until she had gone and believe me, she pissed like a horse, so I was there for what seemed like eternity hoping she wouldn't think I was weird and secretly just hanging around wanting to hear her piss.
...listen, is everyone like this or have I gone wrong in the head somewhere along the way?
That's it I guess. I've been on quite a few modes of transport today (she said in a totally uninteresting way): car, foot, catamaran, train, ferry and then bus.
IN OTHER NEWS: I went to Crown Court yesterday just to observe proceedings for a bit (read: for a work related skive which is allowed). During a break one of the barristers put his wig down on a table and I could feel the familiar itching in my fingers. Oh god I SO wanted to grab the wig and run off with it. I got lost in my stupid Skettyworld imagination, thinking about what people would say if I did do that. Would they chase me around the Court House? Would I be able to put it on my head and break past security and for the doors? Probably but unfortunately for Sket, she was there on official business and people would know who I was and where to find me.
I also went to visit a bail hostel. There has been a load of shit on tv recently about a bail hostel where a tv crew sneakily followed some high risk sex offenders around and found them to be close to reoffending so this was an interesting visit. I think the 2 girls who were with me were a bit scared but heck, offenders are just people so it didn't bother me. The best bit was walking past the showers and hearing some guy singing at the top of his voice about how he wanted everyone to fuck off and to stop looking at him. It was quite an aggressive song he was improvising and now I wonder whether he'd teach it to me.
...or whether he'd just suffered the social embarrassment of thinking everyone around him believed he'd been farting rank fart stenches.....
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