2004-10-06 - 3:34 p.m.

I'm back and I wish I could just shut the door on the no food in the cupboard, no drinks in the fridge, the council tax has to be paid, you've got to get fit for your next interview, you've got to do this, got to do that, so 'n so's been calling for you etc. etc., and go back to live with my Mother as her mad, deformed off-spring who lives in the attic.

I could live with that. I could really get down to assuming the role of the secret family member, hidden away from prying eyes. Of course, after all these years I'm no secret and I don't think my Mother would be too thrilled at having a daughter who wants to live in her roof space.

The week away was wonderful. I was indeed fussed, cooked for, cleaned up after and loved by various family members and old friends that I miss like hell. The highlight of the trip was the comment by my Uncle Clive.

Before I tell you about it I have to explain about Uncle Clive.

.....He's my Mom's brother and I don't really know how to explain him. He's a bit like the Dustin Hoffman character in Rain man. He can remember all kinds of useless facts (such as what 8 people had to eat at every single stop of a 2 week trip around Arizona 22 years ago) but he has no social skills. I don't know what the fancy-schmancy term would be for him nowadays but he's slightly retarded due to my Grandmother foolishly trying to give birth to him during an air raid over Birmingham and having to be pulled off the bed as some bombs landed close by. His is actually quite a sad story as I more fully discovered during this trip. That aside, there are some cracking family stories about him including the time he and my other Uncle Michael went to the Saturday morning cinema thing that kids seemed to go to in those days and seeing a Western. The 2 boys were playing in the garden but unfortunately Clive tried to lynch Michael and my Nan looked out of the kitchen window just in time to see Clive kicking the wooden crate from under Michaels feet. Obviously we can laugh now (or are we just a weird family?) but my Nan had to grab onto Michaels feet to take the weight off his neck whilst calling for help and whilst Clive ran around them both making Indian noises.

Last summer he was caught killing the ants that had infested the kitchen and were on the draining board of the sink by hitting them with all his might with a hammer.

Anyhoo, Mom and I walked to my Nan's house to see Clive and my Uncle Lloyd who live there now that my Nan has died. Clive is famed for his lack of tact and social graces and wouldn't come out of the front room to see me.

"Come out and see your bleedin' niece" bellowed Lloyd

"I've seen her before," Clive shouted back (and when you think about it, he's got a point) "I saw her on the Isle of Wight" (which was about 18 months ago).

....you've got to laugh, at least you know where you stand with him. My Aunt Judith went over to see Lloyd in the week and he wasn't in so Clive told her she could use the toilet before going. I guess that a conversation with him was out of the question then......

I have been practicing the shuttle run up and down my Mother's garden path (trying not to kick all the flowers) and got to level 3.7 before sinking back down to my usual crappy level. I have NO chance of passing this thing next Tuesday.

Bugger!

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