2007-02-03 - 8:56 p.m.

Sigh.......

So, my workmate stalker freak has been playing up big time, I've been having accupuncture from a weird Columbian woman who has told me that EVERYTHING about my diet is killing me and is against my body's design (which is why I'm alway ill and mental), I've had big rows with my Mother and Phoe and I injured the ear that I hadn't stabbed with a big metal file rendering me almost completely deaf.

...have I missed anything?

Probably but I can't be bothered to think to be honest.

Oh yeah SURREAL MOMENT OF THE DAY: I was coming out of the car park after having had accupuncture today and waited as a really REALLY old fella on an crappy slow motorbike passed me. The thing that made me notice him to begin with wasn't the fact that he wasn't wearing a helmet which is the law in the UK, BUT that he was sporting THE most enormous, ill-fitting giantic WIG! He looked fucking ridiculous - like a turtle with a human wig on. I damn near pissed myself. Oh actually, this reminds me - SURREAL MOMENT OF THE WEEK: This is a toss between 2 things I saw when I had to go visit/interview an offender in prison. The first thing was a pair of ducks walking around the exercise yard - EVIL DUCKS NO DOUBT! What the feck does a duck do to end up in jail? Eat all the bread? Shit on an important person's car? KILL SOMEONE? Nah, I reckon they were probably framed for crimes against humanity for that piss poor Howard the Duck film. The other option for Surreal Moment of the Week was still involved with the prison visit and centres around being left waiting alone in a room with the door open and offenders wandering around and looking in at me (possibly with murderous thoughts?) whilst waiting for my guy to be bought down from his wing. I sat there trying to look cool and slightly hard, as if sitting there like a spare prick is the most natural thing in the world to be doing in a male prison, when a gigantic black guy with THE most enormous 70's afro walked past. He was the tallest bloke I've ever seen but that wasn't the thing - he'd got a PINK afro comb stuck in the back of his hair. I wondered whether he'd lost it in there or whether it was where he stashed things that might get nicked. I didn't call him back to ask. I just sat there not far from the attack alarm waiting for my offender to be bought to me. This guy tried to intimidate me but I'm the Sket and I don't put up with ANY shit.

Anyhoo, my female obsessive stalker freak.....I don't really know where to start. I've already told a load of internet friends and I'm pretty sick of the situation to be honest. Needless to say, she's been playing up in a bizarre way and drew a picture of an eye + a heart and an arrow pointing to me which I took as 'I Love You'. When I just wrote OH GOD under it, she took mighty offence and wrote (in manic handwriting) 'is that all you have to say thanks now I know how you feel'. Erm, yes - sorry love but that IS how I feel! You are a freak! She drew weird pictures of herself protecting me from things and asked me how many times I could say 'um'. For fucksake! I've been able to avoid seeing her all week but from Monday onwards it's going to be hard. I've posted bits of my evidence of her freakiness all around the internet just in case I have to kill her in a bloody rampage around my house. I'll be really pissed off if she boils Simon the Gerbil!

Rows with my Mother and Phoe? Yeah, I hate my job, everyone I work with and all my offenders and when I come home there is family shit which pisses me off and home shit which pisses me off. Phoe informed me today that I have changed and that I talk to her like she's an offender. Well, I guess I've learned all kinds of techniques to turn around whatever anyone says to me in order to try to get 'em to say what I want them to say so I'm guessing that no one has a chance of winning an argument with me at the moment which must be frustrating, 'specially as I secretly and arrogantly believe that I am always right. All of this combined with me no longer tolerating the stuff I used to tolerate for an easy life must be hard for anyone living with me to cope with.

Blimey - I couldn't live with me. Phoe's a Saint for not sticking a big knife in my back when I'm asleep.

As for the Columbian accupuncturist, well, I'll go into that another time. All I'll say is that when I told her I was vegetarian she held her head in her hands and WAILED! She wailed again at the mention of marmite and basically said it was like POISON! In fact, it was like a nuclear explosion going off in my stomach. Oh, the Diet Coke's gonna kill me too but I already knew that.

Weird WEIRD Bizarre people in my life!

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