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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2004-12-19 - 2:13 a.m.

...I'm back, Lynne's gone.

Ok, due to utterly underwhelming demand (and I don't care) I am back to share my memory of the past with you. I think that I must be attempting to purge the stupidness out of me by sharing this story 'cause I am sitting here as me; the exact same person as I was then - with the same brains and stuff, yet I really don't know WHAT THE FECK I WAS THINKING OF AT THAT TIME!

You'll need a bit of background first:

My best mate Phoe and I moved away from our homes and lives as we knew them in order to put the past behind us and start afresh somewhere completely new.

Anyhoo, as it happened we moved to the back of beyond to an area unaffectionately known as God's Waiting Room due to the inordinate number of retirees who had swamped the place and caused a population imbalance. This imbalance in turn meant that the economy of the area was shite and there were no real jobs other than wiping the arses of old people which I really couldn't bring myself to do. I very quickly grew impoverished.

(bloody hell, I've been broke for YEARS!)

So anyway, I found myself away from the calming influence of my Mom, the woman who would have smacked the back of my head and shrieked at me had she been there to witness the forthcoming events...

...I hadn't taken good care of my contact lenses and they were almost impossible to see out of which meant that I was wearing my little round metal framed glasses most of the time. One evening I took them off and sat on them.

Bugger!

The frames snapped at the bridge. Being a bit of an independent girl who drove a shit car I had taken evening classes in welding a couple of years previously and had been a bit of a dab hand. I knew I had a soldering kit (which isn't too far off welding) amongst my junk but I never knew why I had bought it or where it had come from. All I knew was that it would be just the thing I needed in order to fix my glasses.

Unfortunately my welding skills had either left me or the soldering iron was shite. I had a big blob of solder in the middle of the bridge of my glasses and no matter how many times I heated it up there was still a sharp metallic spike sticking into my face.

I walked around for weeks with a facial wound and wobbly glasses which would require frequent mending and would inevitably end up with one frame slightly higher than the other.

I didn't care.

In fact, I was proud of my achievement!

Until I broke one of the arms off. I tried to solder it back on but there was just no support. In my attempt to fix the arm I inadvertently broke off the other arm (I wish I could have a film of this incident, I'd love to have seen my face/heard my language during this episode). My glasses lay in 4 pieces. What was I to do? I had a flash of inventive inspiration whilst at the post office.

...I soldered the bridge back together and attached 2 enormous rubber bands in place of the arms which I then hooked around my ears!

FANTASTIC INVENTION SKET

...apart from the fact that I had Prince Charlesing of the ears and that one rubber band was a bit shorter than the other which meant that one lens was embedded into my eye whilst the other was at a jaunty angle due to it being partially distorted by the short band opposite. Whenever I took my glasses off I had their imprint on my face, a wound by my nose from the spike of solder and the suppressed humiliation growing inside me.

When I think back now I really don't know what possessed me to live like that. My Mom would have happily sent me the money for new glasses and I'm sure that Phoe would have helped me out. That period all seems like a blur. I just asked Phoe why, WHY?????

She just shook her head and wandered off...

Perhaps the worst incident was when we had to go to Dublin for some reason and were put up in a big posh hotel. I had my glasses on. Did I think that no one could tell? Did I really, at that time, believe that they looked ok and that I'd got away with it? I know that we had laughed about them as there is pictorial evidence somewhere in the house. I also remember that I fell over in the middle of the road whilst wearing THOSE glasses and CLOGS!

HEY, I just remembered, PHOE SNEAKILY THREW MY CLOGS AWAY 'CAUSE I KEPT FALLING OVER IN THEM!!! She's denying it now but I'm sure I have a distant memory......

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