2004-10-16 - 2:24 p.m.

I got the letter concerning 'the intended job'. I failed the interview so I am out. If I want, I can reapply in 5 months time. The results from my 5 hour thing are good for a year so I won't have to go thru that again if I reapply.

Well, there goes my self respect. I always knew that I was a useless fucker who doesn't contribute anything to this world. I might as well go and throw myself off a cliff. I don't serve any fucking purpose do I? I've let myself, Nigel who's gone out of his way to get me fit, my Mom who spent loads of money on proper running shoes and kit for me and Phoe who is going out and working her bollocks off to keep us afloat financially, down.

Twenty minutes it took to screw up my life, just 20 minutes. I felt that the interview had gone well and that I had spoken confidently and answered all of their questions fully. The only thing I can think is that I used inappropriate humour. I do that.

Phoe is worried about me now. She keeps coming in to check on me and I don't know how to make her feel better. I am just sick and tired to the pit of my soul.

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