2005-02-22 - 12:51 p.m.

Since I started decorating my room (no, it's not finished) and I moved my bed to the other side of the room I have been plagued with thoughts of my own demise. I realised that every time I lay in the bed I would start to get anxious about dying and whether we truly do live on somewhere cool. It's human nature to believe that we're too wonderful to just end, just like some people think we're unique and that there is no one else out there living their lives on another planet. Then again, there is so much evidence that we do live on in some state that I satisfy my nightly anxieties with that thought and I fall asleep. On a scientific level, we are made up of energy and energy cannot be destroyed, only changed....

I wonder if someone died in the spot where I've moved my bed and I'm picking up some residual energies or fears that the person had. It's starting to get me down, I've had zombie type nightmares where I've been trying to escape people infected with a disease that makes them mad and compelled to infect or tear other people to pieces. I hate those 'gotta hide' dreams where you can't run quick enough or where you are trying to squeeze through a window and the 'things' are about to get you. Just before I woke up I had a realy vivid dream that my Mom was dead. It was so emotional (I only have her and she's precious to me) and I feel really spaced and out of it today. I know that dream analysts say that death dreams signify a birth but unless the big guy is gonna perform a miracle neither my Mom or I are likely to produce the next messiah!

Sigh

I'm going to monitor the situation (rather than simply move the bed) partly 'cause I'm arse lazy but also because I like the way the room is starting to look. Perhaps I'll smudge the room and try to clear out any bad energies. I've got all the stuff, all I need to do is get the room the way I want it.

Sigh, let's change the subject.

Nigel came for me last night and we did the bleep test. I got to level 3.6 which isn't too bad, just 14 lengths away from the requirement for THE INTENDED JOB although according to their website they still ain't recruiting. Gives me more time to get fit and healthy though. On the jobs front, the closig date for applications for the prison psychology job went last Friday so hopefully I will hear from them soon and I've got a letter to mail for a trainee Environmental Health Officer today. Fingers crossed heh?

...and finally, I'm about to embark upon something doomed to failure. Painfully aware that my 'only just graduated' advantage of being unemployed is quickly slipping away and I need to look like I haven't been sitting on my arse all day I signed up to become a mentor for disadvantaged/troubled kids. Very worthy but I'm not much of a children person and I fear I might end up in prison for losing it and killing them all, especially knowing that they are troublesome and lippy. I'm off to the induction meeting tonight, I'll let you know how it went :(

�

previous - next