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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2006-02-19 - 8:48 p.m.

OK, I'm in full procrastination mode and I'm shitting myself!

What the fuck is wrong with me? I have an interview for a well paid job that I am well qualified for, ties in with my degree and I would love - tomorrow. All I have to do is attend the interview and give a presentation on THE CAUSES OF CRIME. It's now 8.50pm and I'm fucking about writing a diary entry after fucking around doing nothing all day, or for the past week I've known about it even. Why the hell can't I work on this presentation?

Why do I do this to myself (and who is the person who's read like 300 pages of my diary in the past couple of days?) Sometimes I really hate myself and I want to slap myself over and over again until I cry for mercy. In this case I'll ignore my cries and keep slapping until I am exhausted and then I will lie on the floor in the way of my stupid fat dog so that he will walk all over my unworthy bones and inflict more damage onto my cretinous, lazy, goodfernuthin self.

But enough of this self loathing, it's just a ploy to prevent myself from doing this DAMNABLE PRESENTATION! You wanna hear something funny whilst I'm procrastinating? For those of you who've either been reading for a while or wasted hours going thru my archive, you will know that whilst I was studying I worked as a Field Researcher for MORI.

...and that was another personal disaster in my life but let's continue with the story...

I was all set to spend a few hours writing my presentation in the week (ahem) when the doorbell rang and it was some poor sod doing research on feminine hygiene products. I say poor sod because I live in the back of bleedin' beyond where all the oldies retire so I doubt whether there are many people who still have NEED of feminine hygiene products! I tell you, there aren't many hormones going on in MY neighbourhood! I can give you grey hair, but water retention and hormonally charged evil women? Well, that is centred around my house (cough)

So any way, I just wanted to share some of the RIDICULOUS questions this poor woman had to ask me:

(Having been shown a photographic list of all the makes of sanitary protection on the market)

"Can you tell us which of these brands would most appeal to a witty person? Next, an outgoing person? A happy person? A high achieving person etc etc." (there were 10 different types of people based mostly on personality type).

What sanitary protection would a feckin' happy person wear? Fer chrissake! I said that the witty person would choose the one with the best sticky patch on the back so she could stick it to her head and therefore make all her friends laugh.

The interviewer didn't laugh tho.......

"Can you tell us which of these products has the best shape?"

Well, aren't they pretty much a universal, *crotch* shape? I asked, confused

"Ok then, can you describe your favorite advert for feminine hygiene products?"

(bloody hell) Erm, I don't think ANY of them can be classed as a *favorite* advert for something like this! I can remember one where loads of women are marching thru the streets singing, and then there's that one where the incontinent dance teacher pirouettes around happy that she isn't pissing herself in front of her students - that one makes me laugh so I'll go for that one being my favourite!

"...and can you describe the message that these adverts are trying to convey to you?"

Erm, well the marching one is telling me that all the menstrual women are ganging together and are probably going to riot or kill people and the pissing woman is just pleased that she's found something that will help her stop her students from whispering about her stinking of piddle all the time. The parents obviously all agree because they applaud her dryness at the end (or something)

"Erm....... I think we'll rush thru the rest of the questions shall we?"

Yes, I think we should (dying to sing 'ohhhhhh, bodeeeeee-form, bodyform for youuuuuuuuuuuuuu'

I was bribed with 3 worth of Boots vouchers for that lot. There were LOADS of these questions. I just wish that I had a copy of all of the questions as some of them were real corkers and I can't remember it all.

Favourite sanitary protection adverts? What the hell are these a-holes thinking?

Oh yeah, I was going to put up a stupid picture of the stupid new hair-do I've given myself (whilst procrastinating). If anyone cares, I've got one where I look miserable and tragic or I've got one where I've half smiled and I look fat? Votes anyone?

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