2007-03-03 - 7:12 p.m.

I was going to post a silly entry about about being a vegetarian with terrible wind who took the opportunity to have a good old fart in Court yesterday when I returned after lunch and found the place deserted.

THEN I was going to say that I wasn't in the mood for silly posts but I guess by telling you I've already posted it.

The thing is, I'm not in the mood and I'm not silly Sket at the moment. I guess I shouldn't be telling this to a public diary but I feel I have to say it somewhere, even if it's just to look back at later with some sadness, and well, this is as good a place as any. By the way, I'm not looking for any sympathy so no one needs to comment. I'm just opening up the raw me for a change

I've done something stupid. So very very stupid and it's all borne from an overwhelmning sadness and deep despair which I usually quell with innappropriate humour and general grumpiness. I don't even know if I can write it here for people to read. I don't feel shame but I don't know if I want people to know how stupid and not very funny at all I really am. I've spent pretty much most of the day smashing my fist into my own face - how's that for a statement? Well, I've said it now and I'm sorry to everyone who thinks less of me now. I wish I could stop fucking crying! It's just not me. I'm the strong one who can always see a way out or who has a plan. I think I'm falling apart and although I have an idea why, I don't really know why it's just hit me so suddenly. Phoe has been really nice but she's worried and I don't have the ability to put a mask of strength on to make her think I'm ok really. She found blood in the bathroom and thinks I'm about to top myself I think. I'm too chicken, self harm is about all I can manage. Shit, what must you be thinking? Sorry. Please don't think less of me, I'm just so sad at the moment. I think I@m going to go to ground for a bit now. Sorry Bison if you end up reading this. Don't worry, I'll be ok. it'll all probably pass in a couple fo days and then I'll be embarrassed. Heck, I can't be that bad, I just blew my nose into the bottom of my Monty Python T-shirt and decided to share it in the middle of a pathetic self pitying diary entry.

One of my other internet friends is playing a silly joke on me at the moment and I've been playing along but to be honest, I can't be bothered and I can't think how to be funny about it any more. It's such an effort but I don't want to upset him by not playing along. I just want to withdraw and switch off the computer and not deal with anything but I don't want to upset people. I want to smash up my bedroom and burn my stuff. My face fucking hurts like hell and I've got a black eye forming. Dunno how I'm going to explain that one at work on Monday. Got 2 days training on Motivational Interviewing techniques. What a fucking irony eh?

I'm going now. I've got a headache coming. Sorry to be so fucking depressing.......

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