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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2006-12-16 - 1:10 p.m.

I fear I've been tried and convicted for a bizarre household crime I didn't commit and I have no way of clearing my name!

My brow is furrowed as I type. In the end I pleaded guilty 'cause....

..well, let me tell you the story:

I was sitting on the floor last night wrapping Christmas presents whilst wondering why I've spent so much and got so little to give out to people. Phoe came back into the living room with a giant smirk on her face and said nothing. After a mere second or 2 she says "Oh, I wasn't going to tell you 'cause I knew you'd be mortified but I've just got to....!"

I looked up, interestedly.

"I've just been up to the bathroom for a piss and saw something on the side of the bath," she continued. "I leant across to see what it was and couldn't make it out so I wiped it off with my finger. IT WAS ONLY A BLOB OF SHIT! (much laughter)

(with furrowed brow)"...and why would I be mortified?"

"'Cause I cleaned the bathroom a couple of hours ago and wiped down the bath panel and I know that I didn't do it!"

"Oi! Neither did I!

...Phoe looked at me with a mixture of humour and disbelief whilst still laughing incredulously.

"No honest, I swear I didn't fecking do it! For a start, I haven't even had a bloody shit and secondly, how am I supposed to have catapulted a lump of the stuff across the bathroom without even knowing? It's not the kind of material one spends much time handling is it? Y'know, pants down, drop, wipe gone. I don't fucking stand in the bathroom windmilling my arms with shitty toilet paper in my hands or anything and I certainly don't fish bits of it out the pan to examine, before flicking it indiscriminately around the house! Jeeeezus!

Phoe still looked at me with shining eyes and a 'I think she doth protest too much' expression on her face. To be honest, I didn't know if my face might have accidently looked guilty. I don't have an entry in my mental index which would advise me of the right facial expression to adopt in a situation such as this. I mean, it's not everyday one gets accused of a shit crime is it?

"All I know is that there are 2 people in this house and I haven't had a shit since I cleaned the bathroom which means that it is all down to you!" she concluded

I've got to admit, by now my own mind started fucking with me. It likes to do that. Y'know, sometimes I'd love a cooperative inner dialogue but it's like living with people who get a kick out of watching you screw up and squirm.

Perhaps you DID have a shit Sket, you know how your mind is like a sieve most of the time-but I didn't and I KNOW I didn't-HOW do you know you didn't. You MUST have, how else would the lump of shit have ended up on the side of the bath?-Perhaps it was on the cloth she used to wipe down the bath with or something?-Ah, but that would have smeared it on the side of the bath, not left it intact would it? YOU COMMITED THE SHIT CRIME, GO ON ADMIT IT. WHERE WERE YOU IN THE HOURS AFTER THE BATHROOM WAS CLEANED? GO ON, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME!- Oh my god, I committed the shit crime and I have absolutely no knowledge of it. What else have I done without knowing? What if I do something really bad at work and everyone laughs in my face or worse, BEHIND MY BACK! Oh my god..........NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

....like I say, it would be nice to have a supportive inner dialogue sometimes. Despite my silent torment and argument with myself I know, deep down in my heart that I am totally innocent and I DID NOT COMMIT THE SHIT CRIME. It's a bloody good job I'm not a spy or someone up on a terrorist charge, my parting words on the subject to Phoe were "Well, erm, I MUST have done it then......" to which she nodded in quiet affirmation to herself!

Bloody hell...

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