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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2005-01-01 - 6:30 p.m.

I'm in trouble already :(

...Happy New Year.

I've been forced to drink almost 2 litres of water after I had to admit to Phoe that I might have eaten a poisonous Santa Claus head.

All this happened whilst I was in the bath. A lovely foamy christmas presenty bath of wonderful smells and things that are weird. Shall I tell you what happened from the start? I guess that it's as good a place as any.

...so I'm running a bath and I've had some weird christmasy lumpy things that you put into the water and which dissolve like little smelly volcanoes; a snowman, a christmas pudding and finally, a Santa Claus. I decide on the Santa 'cause he's got a scary face and I don't want to be frightened whenever I go into the bathroom any more. "Die Santa, Die" I urged as his body dissolved in the running water and his face floated off. I got in and let the water flood around me (the only way to ensure a perfect temperature bathing experience) and started to read 'You Are What You Eat', which is ironic really.

Something touched my leg so I reached down and picked it up - the Santa face, all white now and without expression. Noting that it hadn't dissolved I assumed it was made of soap and rubbed the thin sliver of slippery stuff along my arm - not soap! I gingerly put it to my lips to taste it (I know, I know...) and to my surprise it was SWEET! Cool, I started to chew on the thing but it was hard and plasticky and to be honest, a really weird thing. I carried on reading and managed to chew the thing into tiny hard pieces.

As the saliva and sweetness swirled around the inside of my mouth I continued to read about being what I eat. It was at this point I realised I was about to finish eating a really WEIRD sweet plasticky thing and I really had no idea what it was, what it was made of or why my lips were a bit numb. Imagining myself going towards the light looking a right bloody sight (perhaps I'd have a contorted face or something) and no one knowing what had killed me, I called Phoe upstairs:

"Smeg, (for that is what I call her) if I should have a fit or die suddenly (cue: Phoe sitting on toilet, rolling eyes)

Yeah? ...will you tell my mom that I love her and that my cousin Teresa shouldn't blame herself. Oh, and if they want to do an autopsy 'cause no one knows why I'm dead then can you give the coroner this (hands over a small wet pile of chewed up bits of Santa face) and tell him that I'd have made one hell of an assistant to him had things been different...

What the hell is this stuff?

Santa Claus's face. I've swallowed a fair bit of it and I don't know what it is but it tasted nice :)

Cue general shouting at my childlike stupidity, drink this water etc etc. I don't really think it was anything bad, well, perhaps it wasn't good 'cause my lips were numb, but aside from that I was fine. I'm just having to live with the glowering stares, the tuts and cries that I am the biggest fool she has ever met.

Heck, I've lived through worse...

It sure did taste nice though :)

Anyhoo, our friend Lynne came over last night and we had a chat before going down to the beach with champagne and watching all of the fire work displays taking place along the south coast. We must have seen LOADS 'cause when midnight came it seemed as though there were MILES of fireworks going off in front of us. Unfortunately we sat on a bench near to some people who let off 4 really really poor fireworks off which were crap. Trust my home town to let the side down heh? We went home when I got the beginnings of a migraine and was then accused of giving off noxious fumes and stinking out the house whilst I closed my eyes to ease my head pains! Great innit?

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, on the 29th my Mom had a similar caroling experience to mine only the cheeky little gits were singing "We wish you a Happy New Year, We wish you a Happy New Year etc". She gave 'em short shrift (whatever that means) and told them to come back next year BEFORE christmas.

"...I was in hospital with a rash before Christmas!" said the musically untalented youth defiantly. Needless to say, my Mother wasn't moved enough to give them any cash.

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