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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2005-09-05 - 5:11 p.m.

Ok, I just got back from my friend K's wedding.

....the one where she was intending to fix me up with one of her now husbands' gang of friends by sitting us as a couple at the wedding table.

...sounds like trouble doesn't it?

I was shitting myself!

But first things first. I am gutted 'cause I killed my digital camera on the way up there by inadvertently leaving the camera in my bag with a bottle of Pepsi Max that didn't have the lid on properly. DAMN!

Had to buy a shitty disposable thing in the end. Anyhoo, the wedding:

Oh yeah, before I continue, I want you all to remember that this is ME and we all know how my life goes don't we?

...So, I went to the church with my other friend Sue and her husband Neil. I nervously mentioned to them that somewhere amongst the crowd was a bloke that K had decided would be perfect for me and was hoping that there would be a little spark lit between us tonight. The 3 of us looked around conspiratorially. Hmmmmm, there was a pretty nice Scottish bloke in a kilt and we all know how I'd like to do damage to a Scottish bloke in a kilt (even if it was a bit too new looking and he had those stupid shoes and bits on his socks. I'd prefer a Scot in a tatty old ripped kilt but my fantasies are leading me away from the story so I will shut up. 'sides, I discovered that he was the boyfriend of some lucky bitch who was attending - sigh)

We got into the church and I spotted a lone bloke sitting in the middle of 3 couples on the groom's side of the church. Fuck he was vile! I pointed him out to Sue and she laughed whilst I cringed. He was absolutely vile! His feckin head was purple for a start!

Sigh, so the wedding went fine. K looked beautiful and the groom, M's face was an absolute picture when he saw her walk in. It's a shame no one will ever love me or look at me like that. I'm back to thinking wistfully about that kinda thing without getting upset about it again now so that's good heh? My strength of mind seems to be returning and I'm only mildly depressed at my lot in life at the moment. At the reception Sue, Neil and I found our places at 'the rowdy table' right at the back of the room. I vaguely knew the couple sitting next to me and after another 2 couples had taken their seats there was one place left next to Neil.

Sue spotted the guy with the purple head at a different table and I was able to stop my legs from shaking at the horror of it all but where was this guy?

Shit, he has been told the same as me, spotted me at the church and sodded off home! I thought to myself in fear and paranoia.

"What's his name any way Neil" I asked.

"Erm, I can't read K's calligraphy actually Sket, it's either Finn, Jim, Tim or Aoim"

We decided that it was probably Finn and asked the other's if they knew him and if he'd run away. The only cute guy on the table (sitting next to his wife)assured us that his name was Jim and that he had cancelled last night 'cause he wasn't very well and had gone back to his family in Wales.

I must admit that I was both highly relieved but also a bit disappointed. Still, we all had a good laugh and told that waiting staff that Jim was in the toilet/at the bar/talking to someone/etc etc and we ordered him a whole 3 course meal (which we all ate between us), got them to fill up his drinks frequently (which we all drank) and took our photos with our arms around his empty chair. Ol Jim might not have been there in the flesh but he had a bloody good time and his friends realised that K had intended to set us up. I got a little pissed and because I was safe told the gorgeous friend that Jim would have been in tonight as I had my lucky pants on and my boobs primed for action (sheer relief makes me get a bit loud and inappropriate at times). I was told that Jim would have loved me and found me very very attractive which was nice to hear.

Then came the typical Sketty moment:

"So, what exactly does Jim look like then, 'cause you never know (I hiccupped) it might be me and ol Jimbo's turn next year!!!!"

God I was pissed. Everyone laughed and the gorgeous friend looked as if he was struggling to find the words to describe old Jim. I half remembered how K's voice had trailed off when she'd originally mentioned this 'mate' and how she thought we'd get on really well despite him being ' a bit..........erm.......'

"Well, Jim, how can I describe him? He's probably the most intelligent person I've ever met and he's got very striking eyes and a husky and well sexy welsh accent. He did a reading at my wedding and all my aunts were swooning at his voice. Well, they were swooning until they got a good look at him (laughs towards the other couple who knew the elusive Jim and who joined him in his merriment.

"Well, I DO like intelligent men and Welsh accents" I said helpfully, imagining James Dean Bradfield from the Manic Street Preachers.

"That's good, that's good. Erm, he's not traditionally good looking"

"Well, that's no bad thing is it Sket," Sue piped up "you always appreciated unusual looking men when we were at college didn't you? Remember when you spent a year lusting after Ugly Adrian?"

"That's excellent then, 'cause he's about 20 stone with a Mohican and he's never worked a day in his life. Basically, whenever the social security threaten to try and make him work he puts on his combat trousers and accuses the doctor of spying on him...."

..and my friend 'THOUGHT' we would be perfect for each other!

Actually, he's probably typical of the blokes I have dated in the past. Two are dead, 1 is an alcoholic, 1 is a mental cripple, another tried to kill me and ended up marrying someone on the rebound, 1 of the others refused to talk to me (on our dates) and one of them is now completely bald and has, for some reason, lost most of his teeth.....

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