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2006-05-31 - 9:40 p.m.
I laughed so hard I pissed myself tonight (she said, attractively)
I've had a right whinge on since I came home from work and everything I've said has been in a kinda whingey child 'Everything's just too much/I'm about to start crying' voice. Phoe said that we'd have to walk the dogs when I got home and I found myself collapsing on the floor and lying face down making a dry crying sound. Fortunately she was taking the piss and had already taken them.
I HAD PAJAMAS CRYING OUT FOR ME, MAN!
...anyhoo,enough of destroying my cool exterior by telling you all what I'm really like, here's the reason why I laughed so hard
I really needed to evacuate my swollen bladder and lying on the sofa crying for 15 minutes wasn't doing it. Eventually I forced myself vertical and dragged myself up the ENORMOUS flight of stairs towards the bathroom. Phoe was in the kitchen and overheard me muttering "I really need to learn to fly" to myself
"I need to learn to fly" I whinged. "I wish I had 2 little hand sized wings in the middle of my back 'cause then I'd flutter them really fast and fly up these feckin' stairs and have a wee"
"You'd need a bigger set of wings than THAT to get your lazy arse up the stairs mate!"
...and with a 'humph' I positioned my hands where my wings should be, made a fluttering noise and glided quickly up the stairs. FORTUNATELY, it was whilst I was taking a leak that I laughed so hard I pissed (but that could have been because I already had a full bladder. I'd hate to think I'd become incontinent already). Why did I start laughing?
BECAUSE I knew that even if I had these wonderful wings I wouldn't be bothered to flutter them hard enough to keep me high enough off the ground not to scuff my shoes. I also knew that I wouldn't be bothered to maintain some kind of rigid body position and so I'd be kinda flopped in half as my poor wings dragged my sorry arse along (or in an up and down movement with the little bursts of half effort, Phoe pointed out). I knew that I'd complain that I couldn't be bothered to fly and that my wings ached too much for me to fly the dogs around the park. Lost in some kind of Homer Simpson moment I started to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of my whole line of thought until tears ran down my face.
....'sides, I wouldn't be able to get clothes with a hole up the middle of the spine which would let my wings poke thru. AND I'd have problems sitting in chairs 'cause they'd be in the way and I'd never be able to rest my back properly unless they were like bug wings and they folded down flat. I don't think I'd like that though; they might be too insecty and I have a horror of most insects, ESPECIALLY at the wing joints and the wings are a bit freaky. I can't imagine what my wings would be made of but you can be sure I'd break 'em or damage them in some way. What if they itched? I don't think I could actually TOUCH 'em if they were like fly or moth wings.
I think I'd better shut up now, what started out as a funny thought (and I've been using my hands as wings and making fluttering noises all night every time I've had to get up and go anywhere) has become like a nightmarish horror!
In other news, y'know I said that I didn't like my work collegues? Well, I witnessed them in full bitch/pack mode when they threw the new and unpopular manager woman to the lions. It actually shocked me, she ended up trying to deal with a mad, aggressive angry regular complainer alone. She said the wrong thing and he kicked off. NO ONE backed her up, no one went out to offer assistance, no one pre-warned her of his temperament and pretty much EVERYONE stood in the office listening and laughing. It was a disgusting show.....1 comments so far