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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2006-08-15 - 5:26 p.m.

At work today:

"Well, I could smell this awful smell and I bent over to look thru the holes in the fence and THERE all in the passage way were these long, thin black toilets!!"

Long, Thin, Black TOILETS. I was dying to say 'Do you mean CRAP madam?

Yup, had a home visit and had to sit and listen to an old woman and her spinster (more of a spinster than I'll ever be - I actually LEFT home) daughter talking at the exact same time about absolutely nothing at all. This is the downside to the job - all the moaning biddies banging on and on about fuck all. Jeez, if they owned their own homes they'd have to deal with things themself but they like to think they're 'telling teacher' on their neighbours. This one said this, that one said that, yadda yadda yadda. The heat in the room was unbearable, the dog kept barking at me and I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier. They launched into a spontaneous speech about how wonderful my predecessor was and how much he loved their cakes. I WAS NEVER OFFERED ANY FREAKIN CAKE! I guess it's an old woman/bloke thing. I actually lost myself in a kind of Homer Simpson moment (this happens to me a lot) where I imagined how lovely it would be to just put my head back and drift off. Unfortunately my fantasy drifted towards the social embarrassment of actually falling asleep on one of my appointments and what the old lady/spinster combo would say about that. Judging from the lack of content of their conversation I would imagine it would be the main topic for the rest of their naturals from that moment on. I managed to fight my eyes open but couldn't prevent the yawns. I still don't know what the fuck the appointment was about tho. The old woman was going on about her kidney being just a sack of water, the daughter was going on about how the friggin dog won a waggiest tail competition and then the conversation seemed to switch to eggs, fairy lights around next door's climbing frame and 'black toilets'. I'm just glad we invented an imaginary home visit for after theirs so that we could slope off home early.

In Other News: Had a major falling out with Phoe last night over my slobbery/her tidiness Naziism. Ok, I know that I'm in the right. I admit I leave things lying about. I left a mirror on a stand on a shelf next to the sofa. I'll admit that it had been there for about a month. I came to use it - GONE. "Where's my mirror Phoe?" "It's in the big trunk under the parrot"

Ok, the 'trunk under the parrot' is the place where possessions go to die. It is full of photos which have stuck together in ripped plastic bags. It is full of old bank statements, magazines, spilled bird seed, tools and general crap. It is a vortex into which you must never look. I NEVER go into this horrible old trunk. Of course, I was a little perturbed that something obviously in general usage was chucked there and so I (quite justly) kicked off about it. I argued that whilst HER stuff is house decor, mine is junk. I haven't even had my inflatable Homer Simpson chair up for the past 12 months and that it SERIOUS!

It ended up with me storming off to bed at 10pm, her muttering and general non-communication.

I am right - she is wrong - end of story

....and finally: I ask forgiveness from the higher powers for muttering 'go on, choke you bastard' under my breath earlier today when the most hated manager in the office reaped the effects of shovelling vast amounts of chip buttie down her fat face in a primordial attempt to eat her lunch before someone came along and stole it from her. Her choking fit lasted so long I was scared I'd have to do the Heimlich on her, only I doubt I'd have got my arms around her and I DEFINITELY wouldn't have been able to lift her. When she was alive and un-choked I started to giggle quietly to myself over the thought of what she might say if I'd started slapping her across the face really hard or breaking a chair over her back. I'd, of course, argue that these were new methods designed to shock a person into coughing up whatever chunk of food they were choking on. If she didn't believe me (HEAVEN FORFEND!) I'd just innocently ask to go on a first aid course :)

Evil, pure and unadulterated evil :)

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