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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2006-04-15 - 1:20 a.m.

Well, in addition to my last entry of weird searches who've bought people to my diary, I've had 2 more 'women shitting' searches, another 'Bernard Breslaw' (what's the sudden interest in the fella, that's what I'd like to know?), and, wait for it - FOAMY CHRISTMAS> What's THAT all about?

I told you I'd tell you all about the Chav too. What's a Chav, Sket? I hear all the non-UK readers ask. Well, for a pretty decent explanation, look HERE

I suggest you read the 'commercial impact' bit to fully understand what I'm talking about.

OK, so last Friday, I go to bed REALLY late. From my room, which is at the back end of the house, I can hear a muffled yet obvious disturbance outside. I scoot across to Phoe's room and she's looking out of her window (it's about 2.30am on the Sunday morning to be precise). Now I can hear that the noise is what sounds like a very distressed dog. It's set our 2 off and another couple in the street and it sounds well creepy.

"There's a small police van parked up there", said Phoe,"I can see someone with a torch shining it into the wasteground that makes up part of old Mrs White's garden!

Sure enough, as we 'sticky-beak' it out of the window, we can see a couple of torches and eventually see 2 Coppers looking over the gardens and into bushes across the way. We assumed they were trying to find this dog which was making weird kinda howling noises. Eventually we see a lad come to the fence of the wasteland garden and talk to the police. "Perhaps it's HIS dog who's been injured or something we surmise. The guy climbs over the wall helped by one of the cops. NEXT a bloody POLICE DOG is hauled over the wall. It wasn't an injured dog at all, it was a police dog catching the lad who, by this time was involved in a giant scuffle with one cop whilst the other (with a dogs arse in his hand as he tried to get it over the wall) attempted to join in and arrest the lad.

NOW, here's the thing. The 'lad' turned out to be a bona fide Chav! You wanna know why? Throughout the scuffle all we could hear was:


I think, in the space of 6(ish) minutes I hear him shout the word BURBERRY 20 times! How funny is that? What's with the Burberry anyway? I can't understand how it got into that culture - it's so UGLY and old personish! Beige Tartan? How'd that get supposedly cool?

Anyhoo, the Chav got hauled into a large 'hoolie' van which he persisted in kicking from the inside as hard as he could over and over for what seemed like an eternity whilst they sent the dog off to find his accomplice. I don't know if they found him (or her I guess) but the stuff they'd got Chav-boy for was so bulky I'm surprised he could have run at all. One item was an entire cash register! He'd also got a big box of stuff. He must have more hands than I've got, that's all i can say.

In other news: The countdown is on for driving my car 162 miles up to Birmingham to get the new engine put in. I don't remember if I've mentioned it over here but part of the old VW gang have got together to fix up my Beetle for me. I don't even know why really, just that after years in the wilderness I have been welcomed back into the fold. If they hadn't fallen out with me in the first place I wouldn't have moved to this godforsaken hole where I've rotted away with no male company and a Tidiness Nazi for a companion.

....then again, if I hadn't shagged most of the gang at some point and turned them into mental cripples I guess I wouldn't have ended up moving away with the Nazi and the lack of love....

I'm very nervous actually. I'm going to end up meeting up with 2 of my 'ex's' and I don't want to see them. One, Paul the alcoholic junkie (nice bloke, heh?) told me that he'd been in love with me for years a long time ago and the other is a chap I'D been in love with for ages but who turned out to be a moody nightmare bloke from hell. They both want to see me but I've changed and I am all paranoid that they'll be disappointed in me and think I'm repulsive. Because of the engine thing I don't think I'm going to be able to avoid meeting up with them. My insecurities are running rife and I've never felt so ugly and depressed :(


Oh yeah, Phoe spilled water all over my brand new application for THE INTENDED JOB and now it's fucked. Great huh?

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