2005-12-14 - 11:06 p.m.

So I accidently punched myself hard in the mouth whilst holding a giant knife yesterday morning. It's difficult to look at yourself in the mirror when you can feel blood running down your face and you are wondering if it wasn't just your fist that you struck yourself with but also the big stabby knife.

If I told you I smashed my face in whilst attempting to complete the relatively simple task of opening up the kitchen blinds you probably wouldn't believe me, so I will leave it there and grumble to myself about the fact that all the mouth wounds I gave myself have formed into ulcers and are killing me even more now :(

I just edited out all the stuff about my new job and how dangerous it might turn out to be after becoming highly paranoid that they would find the entry and sack me before I even started! That's my luck you see...

Oh Well, at least it'll be excellent experience for when I get into 'THE INTENDED JOB'. Assuming I survive of course. I start on Monday. My funeral is likely to be after Christmas due to the inquest/autopsy etc which will be held up after they have fully investigated the other unexpected injuries to my mouth, ankle and legs and discovered the source of the sour milk stench about me :(

And Finally: In my last post I mentioned a really gross thing and said that I didn't think I could mention it. Of course, me old mate Noo who is more like me than she would possibly care to admit wanted to know. Now, I've toyed with telling everyone here, but it REALLY is gross and would make nice people sick and would turn everyone off me.

Oh what the hell, I went shopping with Phoe last Saturday and became afflicted by THE most terrible itch up my arse. There is NOTHING worse than in itch there whilst out in the street or in polite company and there is no greater pleasure than scratching the aforementioned itch when it has been plaguing you. I ignored said itch and tried the ol' walking in a funny way with buttock cheeks clenched hoping that the internal folds would kinda fix the problem. Of course it didn't work. I then looked around to see if there was a corner of a building or anything I could kinda lean against in the hope I could open my bum up thru my clothes and scratch it that way.

No such luck.

In the end, my entire internal arse area itched in a mocking kind of way and I had to tell Phoe that I couldn't stand it anymore and that I was going to have to stand somewhere and bring my arms in from my coat, undo my jeans and have a good old rake around up there. No one would notice 'cause my coat sleeves would still be hanging down and people would think they were my real arms. She nearly died a million deaths partly because of what my plan involved but nostly because we were in a big shopping mall full of christmas shoppers.

I couldn't go on, I HAD to scratch my arse and oh, the relief and the pleasure was overwhelming. I believe I must have had a facial expression that illustrated pure bliss. Phoe desperately tried to stand in front of me and shield my obvious arse scratching activities (especially as my jeans started to fall down and became bunched up around my ankles a bit). When I was finished, in a ladylike way, Phoe said:

I hope your arse was clean you dirty bastard.

Yeah! Why you wanna smell?!! I laughed whilst chasing her a few hundred yards with my offending finger in the air. Phoe of course screamed and we both looked at each other in horror as an over made up doll of a woman approached us with perfect comedic timing and the classic opening gambit "Hello ladies, can I ask you if you keep your nails natural? If you do, I'd LOVE to give you a demonstration of something fantatic!

I believed my eyes bulged as I had visions of the over-made up doll of a woman recoiling in horror from my stinking fingers whilst exclaiming "Madam, do you realise you have faeces under your fingernails?!!!!

Before I sign off I want to apologise for this story but Noo made me do it. I also want to point out that my inner bottom is clean and polished and that I didn't really have shit under my nails, I just have a gross imagination and the woman approached at the optimum time for full comedic effect. Please forgive me :)

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