2006-11-12 - 2:23 p.m.

It's been 8 days since my rant. Do I feel any better for it? Quite frankly no. I've got so many irritations that it would be my life's work to diarise them all......

Anyhoo, I think it's about time for another round up of the weirdness people have searched the internet for only to be directed to my diary. Some of these have made me question what the hell I've written about in the past but the best news is that after I went back and altered the spelling on the diary entry concerning that woman who would haunt the lady's toilet at work and stink the place out that I became obsessed with last year, I haven't had any of those filthy gits searching under 'Women Sh1tting' finding me. Sh1t, now I've typed women sh1tting again so they will flock here once again with their 'lads' in their hands hoping to find some scatting action. Let me go back and adjust the spelling....

Right, the searches. Here we go:

i) Alan Titchmarsh calendar 2007 - for the non-uk people, this guy is some simpering, be-jumpered gardening show host. Who the hell wants a calender of THIS idiot? It frightened me actually, to know that this aged spinster with a fetish for gardeners found my diary. Fortunately it was from when Phoe won the lighthouse photo competition and had her pic included in a calender. This fella presented her with an award. Phew!

ii) Tying leather laces - Huh? You searched the internet to learn how to tie laces? Jeeeeez.....

iii) (2 searches) tips of fingers are numb and
numbness in big toes and thumbs - shit, this poor person, alone in the dark, frightened and with little sensation in their extremities found THIS load of old shit diary to comfort them. I seem to remember typing that I was convinced Mr Reaper was around every corner waiting to take me in small pieces..... always helpful heh?

iv) NAKED MEN - Wa-hoo, a worthwhile internet search and I've been found TWICE by people searching this phrase. I can almost visualise the look of disappointment when they clicked on my diary link. I still haven't a clue what I'd been typing about in that entry.

.....well, naked men, obviously. I'm guessing that it's clear I've been single too long....

v should you live on a busy road with a cat - well, if you want yer cat squashed on a near daily basis then yeah, idiot! Can people not work things like this out for themselves? Did the person genuinely believe they would find a discussion somewhere on the pros and cons of cat ownership whilst living on a busy road?

'Yeah Ike, I think it's a good thing living near a busy road with a cat. Makes 'em tough and assists with feline natural selection. Only the fucking steel based cats live and go on to procreate. Are People Arseholes?

...I'm going to end up with a stroke at this rate.

vi) "downer than a" - Another depressive finds my diary. Downer than a completely down person standing in a ditch whilst participating in a who's the most down competition....

vii) wore a nappy - Ahhhh, someone was directed to the weird adult woman who told me she wore a nappy rather than risk shitting herself in other people's houses (as if it was the most natural thing in the world). We were interviewers together, she didn't have a long term medical condition, she had a gippy tummy one day and came up with her perfectly normal, let's tell people in the supermarket plan. Heck, I LOVE bizarre people....

viii) chernoble,PERT BUMS,"cse grade 3",guinea pigs - a wee collection of words/phrases which would have disappointed the searchers upon re-direction to my diary.

ix) misanthrope - it was a proud day for me when I discovered that out of the whole world wide web, a lone soul, disliking of the world as a whole was led to my diary. MY DIARY! Do you think that this ranks me amongst the world's greatest misanthropes? Oh I do hope so. That thought has made me so happy I haven't felt very misanthropic for, ooh, MINUTES now :)

x) do dogs have moods? - I claim my place as an expert in this field as my diary ranked as the second entry on 1st page for Ask.com! I think I'll write a book. I know my bleeder has moods. He actually turns his back on me whenever I've committed some minor misdemeanor against him! So in conclusion, YES dogs have moods. NEXT

xi) Do whales have tongues? - Ahhhh, someone will have discovered my 'do FISH have tongues debate'. I knew that whales had 'em as the blokes in the beer ad were supposed to be standing on one whilst discussing the massive number of taste buds they had. It kinda made me question what the point was in THAT? They only eat sodding KRILL so why bother to be able to taste so much? It ain't as if they can get BBQ Krill or Krill in a piquant sauce now is it? It's bloody SALT flavour and like it Moby.

....unless, of course it's a throwback to when whales frequently swallowed biblical people who spread their bad luck to all around them.....

xii) my dad seems to be going senile what can i do - write your name on your forehead so he remembers who you are. NEXT?

(....why these people pick the diaries of idiots to take their advice from I'll never know)

xiii) have itchy lumps on my face what are they - probably some necrotising disease which will eat away at your face, probably starting with your eyes. NEXT?

xiv) are evp messages evil? - what, those freaky voices you can sometimes hear amongst the crackling of an untuned radio? Yes, they are evil, they are going to drag you into the tv, cover you in ectoplasm and force pins into your face in a really attractive pattern before making you appear to loads of screaming family members and small psychic women. NEXT?

xv) are raisens healthy - no, they make you look like Gillian 'Gollum' McKeith and a number of other strangulated looking health experts. They also give you the foulest wind in the history of mankind. NEXT?

xvi) how to get black stain off of stainless steel - scrub it you lazy bastard. NEXT?

...what, is that all? Awwww, I was enjoying this round of ASK SKET. I think I should start my own internet help desk. ASK SKET (who will take no responsibility for cretinous buffoons who take her advice)

I guess this entry rambled on so I'll go. I won't bother telling you about Phoe's birthday celebrations, her (deep breath) IDIOT of a father, giving blood or how I broke it to one of my colleagues that every day I hope that I am in an accident that seems really bad but is survivable without any long term implications but which means I won't have to go to work for a while. I think he thought I was joking....

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