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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2005-01-19 - 7:28 p.m.

I've been feeling strangely unsettled today. I guess I know why; Andy.

I've known Andy for more years than I care to think about and we've had a bit of a nothing relationship where there could very possibly have been a something. It's funny actually, the Sket and Andy story, you wanna here of some of the highs and lows?

OK, starting from when I was about 17 my friend Lisa and I ended up as part of the 'VW Beetle' crowd (mainly 'cause she was engaged to the ringleader). We'd go all over the country with the lads (we were the only girls) and we'd basically camp at the sites, get pissed and have a really good laugh. I, at some stage, had pretty much pulled most of the of the main core of the gang and those who'd taken my fancy from the periphery (you shlaaaaag sket) but there was one guy I really liked and that guy seemed unobtainable to me. He was Andy and by God I pulled him in the end.

I started off with my research and staked him out (I am cringing at the thought of how thoroughly I lay the groundwork). My intention was to find out if, away from the crowd, he had a woman on the scene. I knew where abouts he went drinking so I bought a wig, some sunglasses and some clothes that I would never usually wear (in case I had to break my cover and go into the pub) and sat outside watching the door. Obviously now I can see that back then I must have had some bunny boilerish tendencies and I am dying a thousand deaths telling you folk about it, but what the hey, it's my diary and I'm logging my memories - good and bad.....

So any way, there I sit in the dark watching and waiting. Of course my plan went awry - I'm Sket the cretinous buffoon, I had neglected to take into account that I was sitting in a bright green and orange VW Beetle. Andy came out of the pub, saw the car and came striding straight towards me smiling before stopping to ask what the fuck I'd done to my hair.

.....a simple conversation led me to discover that he was single and so our courtship started. You know the kinda thing - dragging your friends to the pub you know your target will be at and then ignoring them until they approach you (hey, I was young!) It wasn't all one sided though and we kinda got together briefly.

Then he went on holiday with his mates. I got a post card and a couple of phone calls and was well chuffed at my pulling power. He said that he'd got me some presents and that he'd come and see me when he got back.

The day came - no Andy.

Too cool to call him or chase I quietly seethed and made it clear to people that I wasn't impressed. I bumped into the friends he'd been away with and learned that Andy would get 'funny' moods or depressions come over him and that no one would see or hear from him until it had passed! Great, another bloody mentler in my life - the first having been Stuart who was so shy he wouldn't talk to me, the second being Anthony who'd tried to kill me, the third Mark who would cry real tears because he wasn't a carpenter, the fourth David who got run over by a juggernaut (are you getting the picture here? If not, I've got more..... Nick who told me he'd got a fiancee whilst we were, y'know, doing something that comes natural, the list does truly go on and on).

The next couple of weeks came and went and the day of my birthday arrived. I was home with some family members who'd come over to wish me happy birthday when I heard the familiar sound of a Beetle engine. I ran to the front door to find a card and present on the door step and the back of Andy's car as it left my road. This really made me seethe - how could he sneak up and not speak to me? Prone to bouts of evil back then (Evil now? Who, me? Never...) I became possessed by devils and upon discovering that the present was a big pile of shit (a car washing kit in a plastic bag) and that the card had no apology or words of explanation as to his recent behaviour I did something unbecoming of a laydeeeee:

I promptly drove to his house and chucked the present and card up his front door in a drive-by-flinging incident.

I think you could safely say that things cooled between us after that. A year or so later we kinda tried it again but things weren't going to work and I eventually moved away.

That's it, no more. End of the Sket and Andy story - but is it? Last year he pushed a Christmas card through my Mom's front door asking her to pass it on to me. Inside he'd given his address, phone number and mobile asking me to get in touch in a flirty way. It had been years and I was flattered. We kinda got back in touch and I promised that we'd meet up next time I was back up his end of the country. I never did, too shy and embarrassed in my old age. I wonder if he's the one or if I'd have got together with him again if I'd stayed in the area. Weird innit, the things that might have been. I'd have knocked those feckin' moods out of him if we had got back together properly.

I sent him a text last week to tell him that I'd got a new mobile phone (which incidentally is shit - never any bloody network. Richard Branson can now stick both his trains AND his mobile phones up his arse) and he texted me back straight away saying that he really wants to meet up with me. We had a flirt and that was that. I had a phone call from Lisa last night telling me that Andy's Mom had dropped dead and that his Dad who is having cancer treatment is in a bad way too.


I feel bad for Andy but (as Sket brings the conversation back to why she is feeling unsettled) this is the second Mom death I have experienced in recent(ish) years. It's made me think about my own Mom and I guess it's just hit me that she'd getting old. Don't get me wrong, she's very youthful and there isn't much wrong with her but (sigh), Andy's Mom went very suddenly and so did Phoe's. It just hit me that she isn't going to live forever....

...and to make matters worse, I've eaten shed loads of raisens and now I've got evil wind again

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