2005-04-01 - 7:59 p.m.

My mind is swirling. From feeling like an utter failure and a crappy waste of space everything suddenly seems to be happening and now I feel a bit scared and anxious.

I'd better start from the beginning. I went to the police station for my shadow shift only to discover that the Force's brand new computer system became active at midnight last night and the shit had hit the fan as no one really knew what they were supposed to be doing and there were 4 still in custody from the night shift and all the available officers would be based around the station trying to sort out what the hell they were supposed to be doing, rather than going out on patrol, so it would be a crap day to hang around them. After speaking to a really nice WPC who gave me some tips and hints on my interview I agreed to come back on Sunday when things should be a lot more interesting there.

I came home to find a message on the answer machine regarding the job I went for with the Prison Service (the graduate scheme that I had to go and do a day of tests in London for). I had received the 'piss off, you're crap' letter a couple of weeks ago and thought little more of it. Well, apparently I only just missed out on being in the final cut to proceed onto the next stage by a little bit and as someone has decided not to attend I was next on the list!

I now have to attend a weekend of tests NEXT WEEK in Rugby! They sound horrific actually and I've got my police interview 2 days later. This means that I will be missing out on a lot of my fitness training unless there is a gym there (probably). I might become a prison governor yet (!!??!!). Nigel thinks I should cancel the police interview but in my heart I don't think I can. There are only a few places left....

..and finally, that place that wants to interview me for a job as an 'Internal Sales Exec' searches auction houses throughout the world looking for things for their clients. Sounds interesting doesn't it?

(sigh) and this is why my mind is everywhere. Still feeling a bit fragile from my 'episode' when I went right down into dump city after constant rejection it would seem that everything is suddenly happening and I don't feel mentally strong enough to take it all in. I can usually walk shit like this but it's all massive and stressful and NOW. Shiiiit

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