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Rescue Chickens

The Kindness of Strangers

Does my arse look fat in this soul?

The demon of paranoia re-visits old Sket

On The Road......

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2004-09-18 - 12:38 p.m.

Anyone who reads my diary regularly probably shouldn't bother reading this entry as it's going to be full of self indulgent complaining and emotional dumping. I don't want to share it with anyone around me so I'm hoping that by just typing it up here it will in effect purge me of my emotions and hey, perhaps in a couple of months time I will look back and laugh at it all.

It's unlikely but I hope.....

Going back to the beginning, Phoe and I have been through some really bad shit and when I say really bad shit, I mean really bad shit. I gave up my job and moved away from my family in order to help her get thru some of the baddest shit you could ever imagine and from that time I have never felt secure. Speaking for myself, I've been through almost 12 years of near poverty, emotional roller coasters and no one I could turn to for affection or who would simply to hold me and say that everything was going to be alright. My Mom does what she can and Phoe loves me for being her best friend and being there for her but I feel emotionally wrecked. I know that I'm not the person I was. Twelve years ago I gave Phoe all of my strength and now I don't have any left for myself. For fuck sake, I hide whenever anyone comes to the door 'cause I don't have the strength or inclination to deal with day to day tedious problems or to even bother to put on the fake smile when greeting people at the door.

....which leads me to 'the intended job' which would involve me having to get back to being the old me again. It's a gamble and hell, when you've gambled as much as I have and lost so many times you kinda think that it's time for the dice to fall in your favour. I kinda feel deep down in my soul that again, they didn't fall right. I think I fucked Wednesday up. I've been trying to break it down to see if I might have done just enough to get through:

1) Verbal reasoning test - think I did well on this. Finished the questions within the time and had time to check back. Seemed ok.

2) Interview where I had to illustrate previous use of core competencies. Four questions of 'teamworking', dealing with a difficult person', taking personal responsibility' and 'diversity' - I think I did well here also. I had a rough idea of what I would say for each of these but the final question was a sod. How many ordinary people can name a time when they have defended a controversial action or statement? It threw me for a second but I was able to re-hash a story about some traveller kids who used to come into my place when I had a New Age store (which had to shut down due to all the shit we were going through at the time).

.....so there's 2 bits that went well.

3) Numeracy test - 25 questions in 12 minutes and not my strongest point. I managed 20 which seemed to be about the same as most of the others and I pretty much know they were all correct, so there is another pass I would guess.

4) Written test - A letter and a memo both dealing with complaints. I am good at letter writing but usually spend time writing them in rough and changing things. Didn't have time for that so they weren't up to standard and I didn't finish either. Think there will be enough there to get a decent grade. Covered the issues, used good English so again, I should have passed that.

.......4 sections down and I should have done alright on them all.

Then came the role play. Four scenarios and I fucked up 3 of them.

I did introduce myself to each of the characters and shook their hands, I spoke loudly and took charge of the situation but I know that I spoke too quickly, repeated myself a lot, lost my thread and didn't actually sort out any of the problems apart from one of them. I said 'Ummm' and 'Erm' a lot which isn't very good. I did try to put the person first and said all the right caring stuff so perhaps the assessor sitting in the corner will be able to see that, nerves aside, there might be a decent person there to work with.

..but who knows?

It will be 2 weeks before I find out whether I get to the next stage and in 2 weeks it is my birthday. Oh wouldn't my nemesis 'Fate' just love that? Tell Sketty that her hopes to regain her personal strength, use her intellect and become financially secure have been dashed once more on her frickin' birthday!.

It wouldn't be so bad if there were any other prospects on the horizon. Even my 'this'll do' type jobs to keep me going keep rejecting me! For feck sake, I just had a rejection letter from a fucking shop that sells tea and coffee. Not even a sniff of an interview - what am I doing wrong that they don't even want to see me? Friends keep giving me the ol 'over qualified' shit but I think that's a load of old bollocks. Wouldn't any employer want to hire the person who is the least likely to spill the expensive tea all over the floor and can actually add up 2x95p?

Hell, when I was the duty manager of the thing, I actually SAW the state of some of the CVs that people send in for jobs. Mine is imaculate (and I check all the spellings which is something I don't do on this diary because I can't be arsed). I wish I'd photocopied the CVs that I'd been given to read they were that bad. Hell, my boss actually EMPLOYED those losers! Perhaps I'll type mine on some fucking toilet paper next time.

You might be wondering what actually happened this bright Saturday to make me go off on one (if you didn't take my advice and did indeed decide to read this rant). Well, I had to put my pride up my backside and sign on the dole a few weeks ago in order to survive until I got sorted. Great.

Well it would be if the incompetent fuckers could get their fingers out of their arses and stop losing half my forms and actually pay me something. I haven't had any income now for at least 3 months and I am brassic. I'd go down the docks and try to flog my arse if I thought it was worth it but they a)no longer make half pennies and b) the crew of the Wightlink ferry have only been at sea for 35 minutes and NO ONE is that desperate to shag the likes of me after that short amount of time. Hell, even if they'd been around the feckin' Cape of Good Hope in a storm, encountered cannibals and hadn't seen a woman in 7 years they'd be hard pressed to want to go with me.

Can you tell it's been too long since anyone gave a shit about me?

Feeling sorry for myself aren't I?

Ahhhh, the smell of self-pity on a Saturday, you can't beat it.

Barclaycard phoned up today hassling me to pay my bill. I had to promise that I would be paying cash on Monday and no, I don't want to set up a direct debit to pay the bill and yes, I am aware that late payments affect my credit rating. That's what set me off. Where is this magical cash going to come from? I'll tell you where - my Mom. Great, how old am I? Still running to Mommy? Yep, you got it. She's been great too many times, I just hope that I don't ever let her down when she's really old. I would never intentionally let her down so what am I worrying about? Shit, I'm set for the day now - got the worries. I'll be thinking about how one day I'll be gone and how weird that'll be next. Gone from this planet with no recognition and no one keeping my line going.

Shit, I'm going to have to stop. I've gone from purging to paranoia and death obsession now.

That's it and you know what? I actually feel a lot better. I've probably depressed the shit out of any poor souls who decided to read this.

I believe (for now I am sending out positive energies) that I DID do well enough to pass through to the next stage for 'the intended job'. I am a strong person who is resiliant and capable.

I WILL do well (breathe) I WILL do well (breathe) I WILL do well.

....I hope (she said in a small voice)

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