2004-08-16 - 11:28 a.m.

Today I awoke and decided that the old me was gone. The old me of procrastination and employing far fetched methods to ensure maximum idling time. I have to start running my life properly and that means taking myself into hand no matter how much I cry and beg to be left alone to slump in a chair. I have to be tough with myself and tough I will be.

(I can hear the inner me whimpering already). Is that how you spell whimper? I'm not sure and I can't be bothered to get the dictionary.

Shit

Ok, I'll bother to get the dictionary. Hang on, it's within reach.

........

yeah, it's right.

Today I will fill out the 3 job application forms and send them off in a bid to get any job other than the one I feel I am being pulled towards. They've been lying on the floor for days and they're good jobs so why haven't I filled out the forms? Lazy bitch. I think that I am overwhelmed with the belief that I am crap and there's really no point in filling them out 'cause I won't get the job anyway.

.....'sides, I hate filling out bloody application forms. They want to know the 'ins and outs of Jack's bloody arse'; what dates in the last 3 years have you been ill? I DON'T BLOODY REMEMBER! I was fucking ill and I don't memorialise every fucking cold I've ever had!, list the last thousand jobs you've had, the addresses and why you left - shit. I'll have to look up old paperwork, make notes and it's all so tedious and I still don't know how to write creatively about why I left the PDSA. I had a stand up row with the arseholey area manager and told her to stick her fucking job up her fucking fat arse.

....It didn't go down well of course.

I was escorted off the premises through the back door. I was the innocent party in that row, she was being totally unreasonable and hateful to me yet I'm the one who is trying to re-jig my cv to exclude the entire sorry episode. I had been warned that she was a bitch before I started. I rarely get riled to that degree. In fact, I can't remember a time I've EVER been riled to that level in the past.

Today I am also going to bite the bullet and sign on. I have been resisting it since I left uni but I am so bloody broke now I'm going to have to grit my teeth and do it. I thought about doing some care work (hey, the Island is known as God's Waiting Room so there is plenty of it around). The problem is, and this is hard to admit, but I don't care. Call me callous but I just don't. I was all set to just do it and learn to care but when Phoe's Dad Wazza went into hospital to have his knee done there was an extreme elderly lady in the ward who for some reason couldn't really speak and just wandered around making sounds and demanding attention from the nurses as a child would do. When I walked past her I could detect the distinct stench of shit. I knew then that despite all my attempts to force myself into becoming a nice, caring member of society I simply couldn't do it.

Karma is going to kick in now and make that happen to me when I'm old and there will be no one caring who will wipe my arse will there? OR I will be sent somewhere full of horrible carers who will abuse me and leave me sitting in my own shit for days at a time until I'm covered in sores. They can tie me to a chair in front of the tv (so long as I'm not forced to watch Tricia) if they like. I'm not the type who would cause problems by wandering around, all I ask is that I have all my faculties and that I have a clean and perfumed bum in my old age.

Oh god, I'm writing shit again. I really must not sit and type the shit that goes through my brain. I should scrap all of this entry and write something else.....only I can't be bothered.

Doh!

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