2004-05-20 - 7:00 p.m.

So I went with Phoe to do one of her talks in the Worcester area and we're sitting on the train when 2 guys in the train company's uniform come and sit at the table opposite us. I don't particularly pay much attention to them as I figure that the one doing all the talking is either training or filling in the other guy on some sort of company policy. Then I see Phoe smirk and nod towards the guy doing the talking. I started to listen and discovered that he was in fact, the most boring bastard you would ever care to meet. Basically he was a train spotter who had been able to get work with a rail company and what he didn't know wasn't worth knowing. Shit, he knew where the disused tracks used to go, the year they were laid, how many stops the freight trains made between 2 points, you name it, he knew it and was leaning forward telling the other guy at speed.

.....then there was the other guy; 'Frank' according to his name badge. The poor bastard! I bet he rued the day he ever got up for work that day. He never spoke a word, he was kind of 'frozen' in his seat, a pen half raised over a form whilst he stared out of the window wishing his life would end sometime soon. They got off after about 40 minutes and we watched Frank walk at speed silently over the bridge to the opposite track whilst the train-spotter guy continued to talk as he ran behind. heh heh....

...we paid for laughing at Frank's plight, oh yes, we paid alright!

We got to the police training college and Phoe went in to give her presentation. I had been overwhelmed with guilt and stayed at a free desk in the big open-plan office in order to revise.

....so I got fed up with looking up rude words in a dictionary and looking up pervy crimes in a big manual all about that kind of thing and fell asleep across the desk. God I woke with a start. I had really been gone and had drooled all over my pad. I hope to God I hadn't been moaning; according to Phoe I do that when I fall asleep on trains and I know that she isn't lying as I've woken myself up with an 'urgh!' in the past. No one seemed to be staring so I must have got away with it.

We were staying on site and after a freshen up and a meal we went to the bar where we were eventually joined by some of the officers who had been on the course. They continued to ask Phoe questions about her presentation and I watched a doco about Hieronymous Bosch (sp?)which was brilliant. His 'hell' artwork was fantastic. Anyhoo, we were about to pay for laughing at Frank and that payment came in the form of a copper who was due to give a presentation to the group the next day.

This guy....how can I describe him? He was so impressed with himself that he was under the impression that every other bugger was equally, if not more impressed with him. He was in charge of a unit that deals specifically with kidnappings and you could tell how 'earnest' he believed he was being by the fact that whenever he told you something he would close his eyes and talk really really slowly, emphasising certain words that would bang home his point.

The only problem was that we weren't impressed or over-awed with him. He didn't tell us anything we hadn't heard before or name-dropped anyone we'd ever heard of. I believe that he was becoming more and more desperate to change the looks of sheer boredom off our faces (actually, Phoe had a fixed grin, trying to be polite whilst I exuded 'fuck-off' vibes) so the guy went into a story that he assured us was hysterical and 'one to end the night on....' which involved him rambling on and on (rather like my diary entries) about nothing in particular and the punchline was that he pissed his pants on the floor of his bathroom.

35 minutes that story took! 30-fucking-5 minutes which started off with the clothes he was wearing, a case that he'd been on concerning some Greek bloke, his wife wanting to go on holiday, him being on a karaoke machine etc et-bloody-cetera which ended up with him pissing. I think that the bloke sitting next to him was embarassed too. What a boring shit? After 25 minutes I had tapped Phoe on the shoulder and asked 'you alright, Frank?'

We had experienced Frank's pain. Forever more now, whenever one of us is forced to switch off in the face of a boring bastard it will be known as 'Being Frank'.

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