2005-08-25 - 8:26 p.m.

I'm going to be self indulgent and pitiful in this entry. I don't want any sympathy or anything 'cause my mood will probably pass soon and I will feel a fool as usual.

I am so fucking depressed. I want to cry and scream and kick out at everyone and every thing. I can feel the tears welling up as I type yet I know that I have to hold everything together and behave as an adult should. Of course I will bottle it all up, I always do. When I was younger I didn't have to be the adult and used to take it all out on myself by hurting myself. Yup, I'm so down I don't even care that I'm sharing this shit in a public place. I don't see why I should care any more. It's not like it's going to change anything for me is it?

I am so frustrated and down. So tired and worried all the time. I hide it with humour about how stupid I am and wry observations of how other's live their lives. I feel so unloved, unwanted, unworthy, unwell, un -der the weather (heck, I can't resist a stupid pun can I?) I am worth so much more than I am getting. I have a brain, I have qualifications and experience yet I am broke and working a shitty temp job that is due to end soon. I don't know what will happen to me then. I may as well just kill myself and put a stop to this endless round of misery and disappointment. I've got nothing and no one apart from my friend and my mother. I have had a major set back in my attempt to get my health up to scratch for the INTENDED JOB and it seriously looks as tho I'm not going to be ready in time and will have to start the whole goddam process from scratch. That'll be at least another year of scratching my arse to pay the bills, another year of worry and feeling worthless.

Phoe is getting beaten down by my attitude too. I snap at her over everything she says or does and it isn't fair. We're in this together and I'm making life a misery for us both. She's got mumps that she shouldn't have again and I can't even be bothered to lift my head up and look people in the eye. Perhaps I'm menstrual or something that this is all coming out now. I will probably wake up tomorrow feeling fine and will read this all back and cringe. Heck, sorry if I'm depressing you lot too. Don't bother to read this entry, it's too raw and miserable....

I just wish I had some joy in my life. Something to make it all worthwhile and to hold onto for hope. I have no hope for the future. What future?

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