2006-04-23 - 1:30 p.m.

WARNING - SELF INDULGENT, IRRATIONAL, WHINING DIARY ENTRY WHICH MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A RIGHT MENTAL ARSEHOLE. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MADE DEPRESSED

It's my Mom's birthday next Sunday and I'll be driving up country on Thursday. I've already said that the whole trip is going to be fraught, what with me having to take the Beetle with the nearly dead engine about 180 miles over steep hills and on 3 busy motorways to my friend's place where I will be seeing one of my ex's who hasn't clapped eyes on me for over 10 years. My Mom also asked me what I was eating at the moment so that she could shop for me. I had to admit (damn my honesty) that since the bad news about THE INTENDED JOB my eating disorder was raging out of control and I was in a bit of a mess. Cue: THE INEVITABLE ROW.

So I will be driving up whilst worrying that I am going to break down in heavy, speeding traffic to someone who is harbouring a desire that we will get back together unbeknownst to him that I am a physical (and currently a mental) wreck compared to the last time we met, and to my mother who will have had her birthday ruined by her wastrell daughter. Oh yeah, my other friend wants to meet up with me and she is currently convinced that her Father murdered her mother at the start of the year and thinks that, because I have a degree in Criminology, I am the all knowing oracle...

I don't even know why I give a shit what the ex; 'A' thinks of me. I've got absolutely no interest in him romantically whatsoever. I guess that knowing that someone fancies an ideal of you from the past is tough when you look at the reality and think that their illusions will probably be shattered. Oh god, what if his face falls when he sees me? Shit man, I'm beginning to sound like a crazy woman. I gotta calm down. Deep down I know that I'm not THAT vile and that I'm behaving like I'm the Elephant Man's less attractive twin. I had to do a tenancy sign up of a family about to take possession of one of our houses (I currently work in social housing if I haven't already mentioned) at work on Friday and I couldn't believe that the woman was born about 6 weeks after me! She had more wrinkles than my MOTHER (she exagerated).

I just gotta pull myself together and stop worrying what other people think of me. I haven't actually changed that much when I really think about it. I haven't a clue what's causing this sudden paranoia and irrational behaviour. It's probably due to a combination of stresses and I'm focussing on something stupid. See, the psychology section of my degree wasn't wasted now was it? Malcolm the Beetle will probably do me proud and make it all the way up to Brum, 'A' will be lovely to me, my Mom will give me a big hug, and the paranoia will slip away leaving me refreshed...

IN OTHER NEWS: For her birthday, my Mother wanted some special stuff for her face. I picked some up from a shop which leaves the empty boxes on the shelf. I took the empty box up to the counter and you'd have thought I'd broken into the house of the shop assistant on Christmas day and pissed all over her children, by her reaction! She slammed the box down, kicked boxes about, slammed drawers and muttered angrily to herself for a full 5 minutes before deciding to ring a bell and asking another assistant to get the stuff for me. Christ! I don't expect to be treated like a Queen in shops but I bit of decorum wouldn't go amiss!

I just broke one of Phoe's posh glasses whilst moaning that I didn't want to do the dishes. She probably thinks I did it on purpose now - oops :(

I was almost involved in a major pile up in the car! On the way home from work Friday I got stuck, second in line, behind someone on a horse. I couldn't believe the arsehole in front of me who only tried to overtake the animal at the start of a humpback bridge! I think my eyes came out on stalks when I saw that there was a car coming the other way! Even now I don't know how the tosser in front didn't swerve into the horse or hit the car coming the opposite way! Altho I was going slow I'd have been hit too if the opposite vehicle had struck king cretin and forced him back into me! Bloody hell......

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