2005-07-18 - 11:32 a.m.

Ok, enough of all this maudlin talk and depression. So I didn't get the less shitty job or onto the graduate scheme for the Pr1son Service. Who wants to be a bloody pr1son governor any way? I certainly didn't so not getting onto the scheme is a blessing really. I guess that my problem is my ego and my belief of what I should be achieving rather than just plugging away and getting on with it. Well, Fuck you FATE, I'm just going to put my head down, finish my sentence at the call centre and work quickly and quietly on my health so that I have something to focus on and a long term goal to achive. My first plan was always THE INTENDED JOB so I'll just remind myself of that and work on it.

I've been meaning to tell you, I've got a bike. Saw one advertised in the paper for �40 and went around to have a look and bought it. Unfortunately it was during the height of my depression and after parting with my cash and wheeling it to Phoe's car I had an inexplicable turn in mood and threw it to the floor in temper stating that I hated it 'cause it was friggin' PINK (that colour haunts me) and that it looked like an old ladies bike. Phoe lost her rag with me and told me what fucking hard work I can be sometimes and that I shouldn't have bought the bloody thing if I felt that way. I couldn't explain it, my mood swings at the moment are quite frightening and I fear that I'll do something stupid to myself again. I got home and threw it to the floor yet again, took off the rusty bell that said 'I Love My Bike' and kicked it under next doors hedge. I then proceeded to remove the old lady attachments and cheap looking plastic mud guards until even I had to admit it looked ok.

...and it IS ok, apart from the colour it looks like a standard non-old ladyish bike. I haven't cancelled the new bike which still hasn't turned up and I'm not going to. I'm now going to mess them about as much as they've messed me about. I hope they actually try and deliver the bleeder 'cause I'll just reject it and tell 'em to take it back.

End of Rant!

Today is going to be nice, we've got friends from London coming down to see us. Despite having a rant and a moan I think that I am starting to come out of my darkness with a new determination.

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