2006-12-07 - 6:33 p.m.

What a bloody day!

I was abruptly woken up this morning by the sound of wailing coming from downstairs. I was immediately alert. It was Phoe and it sounded like I'd woken up in the middle of an episode of fucking Columbo or something.

"OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOO, FUCKING HELL! FUCK, NOOOOOOO. OH GOD!"

Shit, who's dead? I just lay there rigidly until I heard her come near the bottom of the stairs. I was almost too frightened to call down. Just pretend to be asleep Sket. Or dead. Just don't ask and then you'll be safe....

"What's the matter, what's happened? yelled down the fool in bed who was supposed to be having the day off work to study.

"There's fucking SHIT everywhere man, fucking EVERYWHERE. Oh my god (sound of retching) I'm telling you, it's bloody EVERYWHERE and the whole of the downstairs fucking stinks (more retching) I've never seen so much shit in my life. Oh my god, I can't believe it......

Y'see, this was extra bad news for me. Not only was it very early and I was supposed to be having a lie in but the pact we have is that Phoe cleans up vomit and I clean up shit. Almost scared, I got up, shoved some clothes on and went downstairs.

Yup, shit everywhere. Sloppy, stinking mounds and splats of shit all over the floor. No one should have to get up to that first thing in the morning. It was so bad that Phoe actually got a shovel to get the worst of it up. I ended up on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor with the indentations of my lovely warm, comfortable bedsheets still present on my face. It would seem that the smart dog of the 2 had barked his warning bark and alerted Phoe that there was a problem. Shame he didn't do it earlier. Fucking Lassie wouldn't have allowed Timmy or whoever it bloody well was to walk into the house and skid on shit.

I eventually went back to bed but was convinced I could still smell the brown stuff on me. In the end I went for a bath.

...so anyhoo, Phoe comes into my room a bit later on holding a small roll-on deodorant.

"Do you want this, it's really eco-friendly? It's made of natural minerals and it contains lavender. I don't want it because it's bought me out in a really horrible red rash, look (lifts arm up to show angry looking red patches) I've been itching from it all day and my underarms are really sore."

"Erm.......so you thought you'd give it to me? Gee, thanks, I'd be really happy to take your old crap that contains the radioactive material Polonium 210 and strips you of your skin! Thanks very much mate. I'll remember you in the same way one day."

The stupid thing is, I TOOK IT!

THEN, later on we went to the small local shop. I was in desperate need of diet coke and sweets (ironic isn't it. I eat crap then insist on drinking DIET coke). The shop is partly a post office and the woman who runs that bit is retiring so, from doin some 'ear-holing' we've learned that many of the shop staff want to apply for this job for the extra pay and more regular hours. The nice girl that P and I often talk to in there was off duty but queuing up to buy an envelope in order to hand in her application for the job.

Pointing to a flimsy, lined piece of paper from a pad in the girl's hand, Miss big gob Sket laughs "Oh my god, PUR-LEEEEEESE tell me THAT isn't your application!"

...it was. Hello, I put in an order for the ground open and swallow me up a while ago, can that order be expedited please?

"They said to apply in writing, telling them about experience and stuff" She said excitedly.

Oh, that's ok then. You took the 'writing' bit literally and actually hand wrote it on a scrap of paper. Good luck love.

"HA HA" Phoe blurted out suddenly and whilst trying to cover her embarrassment of being out with Princess Cretin. "I HOPE YOU CAN ADD UP WELL, PHYL THE POST MISTRESS IS FOREVER ADDING STUFF UP."

"Not really. I'm rubbish at maths"

"Coool........erm. Well good luck anyway. I'm sure that you'll do really well" I said awkwardly, to cover up that now Phoe, my rock of sanity had ALSO put her foot in her mouth. Shit, time to beat a hasty retreat......

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