2006-10-03 - 7:00 p.m.

Yeah, hi - it's been a while, heh?

I'll be brief as I am aware that I am in full complainer/miserable sod mode and I just don't want to go there.

Quick update: Finished work at my old place and went back to Birmingham to see my mom and friends. It was great, despite me spending my actual birthday hovering between life and death after *accidently* drinking the best part of a large bottle of Jack Daniels to myself. I was drinking like there was no tomorrow and definitely feeling no pain.

...no pain, until the cold night air hit me. The world seemed to move at a different speed than my brain at this point and when I got home I stripped off and went to bed.

My poor mother found me naked on the bathroom floor a couple of hours later. I remember going to the bathroom to puke but nothing came so rather than go ALL the way back to bed (the next room) whereupon the pukey feeling would return, I decided to wait there.

The next day I threw my guts, ring and the shoes I was wearing up and down the toilet. My Mom kept repeating 'I didn't think you drank'. I just smiled wanely and lay my poor broken head back down. By 10pm the next day I was back in the land of the living.

The time spent in Birmingham was great. I even had a run-in with my ex, Andy (there is an entry about our relationship somewhere within my archive). He's lonely and desperate to spend time/get close to me but I just don't feel it any more. The attention's kinda nice when I don't have to deal with it on a personal level and I'm just hearing stuff from our friends. I just don't like seeing him and dealing with him on a face to face level. There must be something wrong with me. He wants a life partner and I want....well, I don't know what I want but it ain't him. Sorry Andy

...and so to my new job.

I'm so fucking depressed about it all. The commute is killing me, I begrudge paying out extortionate amounts of my cash for public transport which is shit and I don't particularly feel a kinship with my fellow trainees. There are far too many young women who are competing to be the one who's had most dealings with dangerous people, or have worked the longest hours/traveled the furthest/have experience of the Probation Service in the past and a few of them are very 'Oooh, look at me, look at me!' and I can't be doing with it. I'm a right miserable troll faced bastard I tell you. By mid-way thru the first day I had begun to conclude that I wasn't happy. I passed this on to the guy sitting next to me who is really cool. He was concerned and we spoke at length whilst waiting for the train. I kept telling him that I was very tired and would probably be ok today. By the end of today I reckon 90% of the trainees feel the same way.

Apparently there is a lot of political shit going on behind the scene and by the time I qualify there might not even be a fucking National Probation Service. Why the fuck they've taken us on, I'll never know. Oh yeah, it's because 'these are very exciting times and we just don't know what is going to happen and although we can't guarantee you'll have a job at the end of it, you might'

Yeah, exiting times if you've already got a fucking job in the service.

SHIT

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