2006-09-10 - 1:10 p.m.

It's an absolutely beautiful day and the longer I'm up the more depressed I'm getting. Although I can see the sunshine, I feel like I'm sitting in a tunnel; everywhere seems dark around me. I've got the rumblings of a migraine too.

WARNING, DEPRESSING DIARY ENTRY IMMINENT

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I am fast approaching the age my father was when he died. That's a sobering thought isn't it?

In 4 years time, assuming nothing terrible happens to me, I'll be at that age. All the time I was growing up his age was just a number to me but now I'm getting up there it really makes me realise just how young the man was. Despite being ravaged by cancer the end was very sudden for him; he was at home in bed watching his favourite comedian on TV with my Mom by his side when his head suddenly fell to the side and he was just ...gone!

I hate the person I've become and I hate the life I've ended up with. I don't expect it would have been utterly wonderful had we stayed in the US but who knows. Perhaps I'd have been loved, had my own family, made something of myself, been run over by a bus.....

Y'see, despite feeling down I know that life happens and you just have to go with it. You make your choices and a whole wealth of new opportunities come from that chosen path. I've never taken the wide, easy well paved route which leads to nothing new and comfortable living with no excitement. I seem to have taken the path covered in fucking bramble with the broken down sign saying

'Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here!'

, whilst wearing a stupid grin on my face and with the idiotic attitude that it can't be ALL that bad. I then seem to spent the next few years cutting through the undergrowth trying to get on the path I suspected I should have been on.

....I eventually get there, jaded, covered in scratches and pissed off beyond all belief.

Sigh, I'm a right miserable bitch today aren't I?

My Mom's friend died suddenly on Friday. She was in remission for the same cancer that took my Dad. One minute she was fine, then a little unwell then dead. Just like that, in the space of a day. She's all shook up today which is understandable.

I think part of my mood is that I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I can't put my finger on why as I don't actually mind the job. I have been winding myself up that I've got to go and back up the Rent Account guy for my patch who is evicting 2 families tomorrow. I'm hoping they've already abandoned the properties and the bailiffs can just do whatever bailiffs do without people screaming, children crying and us looking like a bunch of bastards.

Sigh, how did a stupid fluffy hippy get into work like this? Perhaps because the idiot hippy decided to get a degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice when the fluffy hippy career dive-bombed :(

..I've discovered there ain't no money in being peaceful and hugging trees :(

Leaving the depression aside (and apologising for bringing folk down), I will end with OTHER NEWS: I received a fucking CHRISTMAS CARD yesterday! A C H R I S T M A S C A R D in early September. It was from an organisation I've had dealings with in the past, inviting me to rejoin. I wasn't going to but I won't even more now after that ridiculous ploy. The other thing was, we drove miles to an Italian restaurant last night as we discovered they do takeaways and we love their food. Unfortunately they were busy (heck, it was Saturday) so we had to get lost for an hour. Walked into the pub opposite and there were CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I give up, I really do

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